Expert: Justin Choo - 2/11/2010

Question
Hi Justin Choo,

I was raised as a Buddhist all my life, although I must admit I'm not quite as knowledgable about it as a lot of other Buddhists. I do know the basics, however. It's the harder parts like reincarnation and the concept of nothing-ness that I do not quite understand. However this isn't the subject of my email.

My boyfriend's a Muslim - we're in love and I want to marry him some day. He's a wonderful, caring person with the biggest heart in the world. I have come to terms with the fact that he will always look to Allah for refuge - after all, what does it matter what we believe in as long as our hearts are in the right place and we do the right thing? However I hate it when he blindly believes everything set out in the Quran - even the parts that don't make sense, for fear of committing sin. For example, he staunchly believes that if the Quran says that God promises 75 virgins for faithful muslims after death - then it must be true. Such things upset me, especially as I was brought up in an environment where you were free to decide what to believe in, even if it came from a great teacher.

75 virgins after death - it makes me wonder what I'm there in his life for. I dont want my husband-to-be to believe in such "nonsense"! As ashamed as I am to admit it, him believing something like that is really upsetting me, as his girlfriend. Do you know what I mean? It really makes me want to rattle his shoulders and make him see that he's ALL WRONG - but I realize that wouldn't be the buddhist thing to do... Seeing as even I dont have all the answers.

I guess the sad truth is, I can't make him change such *obviously wrong* beliefs. I know it shouldn't bother me, because that would contradict with what Buddhism rightly stands for - freedom to choose one's own path. Yet I find myself getting bothered. What would be the buddhist thing to do? What can Buddhism teach me to accept these things and not get upset over it? How can I resist the temptation to have full-on conflicts over this? I have this horrible way of trying to force him to adopt my own views...

I apologize for the long email, but I'm praying that you could help me. Also, wish you a prosperous CNY -if you celebrate it.

Best,
Krika

Answer
Hi Krika,

Your dilemma is actually not a "religious" concern.  Think very carefully.  Use your head, and not your heart.  As you know in Malaysia, once you are married to a muslim, you must convert to Islam, and you can NEVER renege on your conversion no matter what happens.  In other words, "Welcome to Hotel California, you can check-out any time you like, but you can never leave!" (the Eagles : Hotel California).  I am not sure this is applicable in your country.

Let me share with you a true story.

[My wife's elder sister is a devout Buddhist. Her husband is a Catholic. They married quite late in life. They already had the mental and spiritual maturity before they decided to commit themselves. When my brother-in-law proposed marriage, my sister-in-law was adamant that it could not work because she would not change her faith and also did not expect him to change either. The brother-in-law was insistent that if her faith were so strong perhaps he might be influenced to change his. In this scenario, neither party was insistent that the other party must change his/her faith. Neither party was interested to "convert" the other. There was no argument about each other's belief. It is through this MUTUAL RESPECT AND UNDERSTANDING that they are still living happily together, without changing their respective religions.

My wife has two sisters. One of them is a Catholic. Three of them are very close to one another and always show genuine love and concern for the well being of one another. Each respect the other's belief. There is NEVER any criticism of one another's religion. All three of them live a wholesome and dignified life. This is the true understanding of practicing one's religion.]

Buddhists do not have problems living with others who have different beliefs, because they do not demand that others must change their beliefs. But it is always a BIG PROBLEM with people of other faiths who demand that others MUST CHANGE their beliefs.

In the final analysis do both of you have the spiritual maturity to respect each other's belief for the greater good of an everlasting happy married life? WHAT ABOUT THE FUTURE OF YOUR CHILDREN?  Do you want them to be subjected to unquestionable indoctrination? For definitely, they will be put through this horrible brain wash from day one!!  Do you think you will have a say on this?  You have to think VERY CAREFULLY. I am sure deep down in your mind (head?) you know the answer.  But inside your "heart", you have this wishful thinking.......

USE YOUR HEAD AND NOT YOUR HEART TO MAKE THIS VERY IMPORTANT AND "HIGH-STAKE" DECISION OF YOUR LIFE.  Krika, I am 60 years old and I know what I'm talking about.

Take care.

Justin Choo
(A humble request from me: Please do not show this "answer" to the one you mentioned.)