Expert: Joe McSorley - 3/23/2010

Question
I became best friends with a girl in the 2nd year of our college. We used to spend a lot of time together. We shared everything and enjoyed each other’s company very much. In our 3rd year, I felt that this was more than just friendship and I expressed my feelings to her that I love her. At that time she was completely surprised as she was not expecting this. She replied that she was not very sure of her feelings and probably needs more time to think. However, I became very very impatient for a positive reply from her. I always insisted her and tried to convince her for going into a relationship. I became very possessive and would always complain if she went out with other friends. I became very very insecure. Due to all this our friendship suffered and she started getting irritated with me. She no longer liked my company. We finished 5 years of college and every now and then I would complain to her (on seeing her spending time with others). Now we are working in the same office and the problem persists. There are short periods of a good friendship between us, till I again approach her with my complaints and judgments and spoil everything. I like her very much and want to spend my life with her, but my current actions are taking me in the opposite direction. Even in the office, I am always observing her, judging her actions. This not only stresses me but also upsets her a lot. I want to get rid of all these sad stuff and be happy. But at the same time I want her to like me as well. She has now clearly told me that she does not has the same feelings for me. I have read books on ZEN and learnt that true love is based on detachment. My readings  do help me for a short period when I behave well. But again I seem to forget everything and start repeating my mistakes. Please help me as I really admire her as a human being and want to have her as my life partner.

Answer
Dear Soumen Roy,
  The idea of detachment is often misunderstood in Zen.  It is often taken as a removal from the world and the attachments of the world.  Although there is some truth in this it more rightly means detachment from our own desires and view of the world and not to be alienated from the world.  In other words, it means that we are attached to what we think the world is yet we do not see what the world really is.  The idea is to stop the creation of the world in our mind and to see it as it is.
   You say you want to become detached and this would mean that you want to lose your attachment to your desire for this woman yet you also say you want her as your life partner, this is contradictory.  To truly love someone is to love them as they are and not as you want them to be.  If you love someone you want them to be happy regardless of your relationship with them.  All other love is based on our desire or expectations of the other person and this is not real love.  There is a great difference between loving someone and wanting someone.
  Suppose a woman came to you that you were not  in love with and placed the expectations on you that you have on this woman, would you be agreeable to it?  Can you make yourself love someone you do not love?  This is what you are doing to her, expecting her to live out your desire.  You have a great attachment to her that is created in your mind and this is very hard to dissolve.  I don’t know what good studying Zen will do you.  I would suggest that you seek some psychological counseling so that you might get your situation in a more balanced perspective.
        Good luck to you,
                  Joe