Expert: Judy - 5/5/2010

Question
Hi Judy, thank you for helping me to answer my previous question on the "killing of ants'.  It was very helpful. :)I would like to seek your guidance in another area whereby I have been struggling for quite sometime.  Being a buddhist means we have to be selfless and compassionate but I get overwhelmed with the burdens.  For example, being around chronically negative people drains me tremendously that I have no choice but to tell them that I need space and not to bother me anymore with all those negative stuff.  However, deep inside me there's a part which feels that I am leaving them in the lurch and being selfish.  There are many other types of similar incidents.  I always feel overwhelmed and struggling between my own needs and others.  It's as though I am responsible for the world and other people's sufferings.  I feel guilty if I take care of my own needs first before others.  Please guide me.  I feel a heavy burden in my shoulders.  It's as though I need to "save" everybody and yet I don't have the ability and I am not compassionate enough.  Thank you so much for your guidance.  Peace and Love, clarice

Answer
Hi, Clarice,

Thanks for the question.

You might already notice that one of the most natural human motivation of seeking a spiritual path and guidance is to make one’s life better, liberate, and etc, depending on each individual’s goal and purpose.  A spiritual path does not have to be religious.  However, most people go religiously, because it seems most direct and easiest way to get a guidance.  Somehow the existence of a higher power makes us feel better protected.  However, for most religions, the believers/followers have to “follow” certain procedures, conducts, rules, and routines in order to gain favor of the high power.  They have to be obedient.  Thus, the followers who follow these routines, rules, and guidance would be blessed more and more.

On the other hand, in Buddhism, we don’t have dogma or anything like other religions that we have to be obedient.  We don’t have such a thing like “If you do this, then you must get this” or “If you don’t do this, then you won’t get this” type of thing in Buddhism.  Because Buddhism is not about authority or high power figure, consciousness is the center individuality is emphasized.  Although Buddhism is a religion, Buddhist teachings are NOT religious.  The teachings were not invented by the lord Buddha, but they have always existed in nature.  The lord Buddha was only the first person to discover it and first teacher to teach them.  Thus, everything exists in nature is natural.  Everybody is born selfish, greedy, ignorant, angry, unkind, and has desire or evil side, and etc, or he/she would not be reborn again on this earth.  We call these characteristics “human nature.”  These characteristics might be called “sin” in other religions, yet the higher power takes away our sins, if we believe in him.  Sin becomes a negative character, which we should not have.  Since we already have it, we have to take it out by believing the system which we can be saved.

In Buddhism, human nature is natural in human beings, which we cannot deny of or be ashamed of, yet we need to recognize it and improve ourselves.  This is very different from the approach of other religions.  How can you be born this way naturally, yet be ashamed or condemned of natural behavior?   Back to our motivation of going on a spiritual path, isn’t everybody seeking it due to “self?”  Isn’t wanting to improve oneself based on “self?”  It does not matter whether a person goes religiously for his/her spiritual or not, it is all about “self,” isn’t?  People want to be saved, due to the sins they have created.  Thus, they seek for God’s help.  People who want to make their life better, improve themselves, do good deeds, help others, and etc. become Buddhists.  If you look everybody’s very deepest part of the motivation for spiritual path, you see that it’s all based on “self.”  Without the self, how can you help others, or how can you improve yourself?

Thus, why is it becoming a “common burden” to become compassionate, obligated, and all that good stuff?  Simply because it is NOT our NATURAL motivation to go on this path, at least not the main reason, is it?  I think that PEOPLE, no matter which religious groups or races, sometimes try to help too much and redirect others away from the essential points that any religions or religious teachings are trying to get the message crossed.  Sometimes, I think that in Buddhism, the Buddhists are trying to do too much and emphasize too much on compassion and kindness, that even believing in the concept is overwhelming and burdening already.  I don’t know who says that you have to be selfish-less but only compassionate as Buddhists, but it seems now a common “concept.”  

The entire point which the lord Buddha was trying to teach is somehow twisted, unpractical, and unrealistic.  The lord Buddha never commanded that you have to be selfish-less.  He never said that thinking of yourself first is selfish.  He pointed out that compassion is derived within you NATURALLY through enough practicing of mindfulness and understanding YOURSELF.  To interpret what the lord Buddha’s teachings, you have to UNDERSTAND how selfish you are, as a natural phenomenon.  Once you understand you are as selfish as others, you would not blame others for their being selfish.  Your compassion therefore is derived.  If you are hungry while only having one bite of food, do you feed yourself or others?  Of course, you feed yourself.  Once you feed yourself and have the energy, then you will be able to help others, be it physically, mentally, or even materially by working to gain some money and buy another bite of food for others.  On the other hand, how can you help others, if you cannot help yourself first?  How can you help others, while having all the obligations for your families and job?   Let say that you still help others while not fulfilling some obligations you have to do for your own families, the person who is helped by you may be good and happy.  At the same time, you and your families crumble.  What good does your help to others do to you?  We are not talking about “sacrificing” here.  

Sacrifice is totally a strange concept.  People think that sacrifice is a heroic, selfish-less and plausible act.  Wrong!!! Wrong, wrong!!!  Sacrifice has to involve a big ego.  If I sacrifice, I can save the entire human race!!!  What a bold and huge-ego in me!!!  You see what my point is?

Buddhism is about natural ways, phenomena, middle way, and non-force/non-reluctance.  We study Buddhism, because we want our lives to be better and finally liberated.  How come we all close ourselves into another box again by adding burden, obligation, and all the things we think is good to do.  What’s wrong with this picture?  Again, what’s our motivation in studying Buddhism?  Of course, I am NOT saying to ignore everybody else’s life or to be totally selfish.  I mean that we have to measure how much we are able to and what we cannot do.  If we cannot, why force ourselves?  

Compassion and kindness comes naturally.  You don’t have to act something to be compassionate.  When you are helping others due to the reason of obligation, it is not true compassion at all.  True compassion has to come from feeling free and non-obligated.  True compassion has to be born out of understanding yourself and be truthful to yourself.  Only when you are truthful to yourself, then you can be truthful to others.  Being truthful to yourself includes knowing your limit and ability and not going beyond that.  Compassion cannot be taught or learned or even forced.  If I told you to become compassionate, can you become compassionate right there?  No... It’s not like a command at all.  Helping as many others as you can without considering your ability is not mindful, and it is not going to help yourself either.  Everything has to start from YOUR CENTER out.  Helping others by ignoring what your needs are is against nature.  That's why you feel burdened.  Buddhist teachings are all natural phenomenon.  When you can be compassionate, then you will be, but you can never be by force. Think about it!