Expert: Joe McSorley - 5/1/2010

Question
Dear Joe,

I think I may have had my elderly lady cat euthanized too soon and now and I feeling terrible about it.   I think I did not do enough.  I was partly motivated by money - I am getting more and more in debt and had spent a lot of money on dental care for her, and on care for my other 4 cats and dog.  Also she was peeing on the small area of shag rug and the other cats started peeing there too, and I tried blocking off that rug but then she started peeing on the short pile carpet. This went on for several months with me trying different things, watching her and carrying her to the litterbox when she would start to pee on the rug.

She was 17. She was feral and probably 1 year old when I started feeding her.  She never really warmed up to me until after my husband died and I had to give away the big dog who kept all the cats in hiding.  So I was not able to give her full attention for most of her life but I really tried at the end to give her some good years.  I am really angry at my husband for committing suicide and leaving me to try to care for these animals by myself (plus a lot of other problems) and keep getting further in debt (the animals are not the main cause of the debt).

But I really want KiKi to know that I love her and I miss her and I am sorry. I wish I still had her. I am really very sorry and I was so stressed out about my debt and having to work so much and being afraid of having my house smell that I moved too fast.

Where is she now?

This is just the tip of the iceberg - I can't bear to hear about all the suffering that goes on in the world of animals.  I have not eaten meat for years and try not to hurt anything.  

Thank you for any help.

jill

Answer
Dear Jill,
 I am sorry for taking so long to respond to this. I've had no internet since last week.
 
  I am very sorry to hear of the suffering you have been enduing for this time.  It must be extremely difficult to focus on anything with all that is going on in your life much less try to have any balance in it.  This response will be a little more personal than I usually offer but I am a great lover of nature and presently have 3 cats.  You cannot judge the suffering of nature by human standards. Nature, to quote Darwin, is ‘red in fang and claw’.  The other day someone was commenting to me on the brutal nature of humans while simultaneously, on a TV in the background, were some young whales pounding some fish to death for play and not eating it.  We watch a nature film and cheer as a young lion cub is saved from the ‘bad’ hyena but then the cub grows up and goes after a baby Springbok and we jeer and hope for the baby.  It’s nature, there is no good and bad and no suffering in the human sense.  Please be clear I am not talking about the inhumane way humans treat nature but how nature treats nature in the natural world.  Nature is full of killing and regenerating but we humans try to judge what is good and bad.
   I understand the guilt you speak about and the second-guessing of your motives.  Animals have a unique ability to understand when something is done out of compassion even when it appears aggressive.  You wanted to give Kiki a few good years but how did she not have a lifetime of good years?  You can’t judge her happiness by your own and what your expectations for happiness are.  Kiki lived her life according to her nature and fulfilled nature by doing so.  I had a crazy calico for years that I found in Veterans stadium when she was a few weeks old.  She would bite and go nuts when you tried to pick her up.  When she turned about 12 she suddenly attached to me and spent the next 5 years of her life on my lap.  Why she changed I have no idea but, like all domestic animals, she out lived her time because of the safety of my home and the access to food.  She slowly weakened over the last 6 months of her life.  In nature she would have died within the first month of it but the easy life and my care kept her going.  When it was apparent she could no longer take care of herself I had her euthanized.  The ‘wonderful’ cat vet kept trying to convince me to spend all of my money to rescue her and was shocked when I said she had a good life and let her go. Her retort was “ I could never do that with one of my cats” in an attempt to make me feel guilty.  I responded to her with “ she would have been dead months ago in the natural world, what are you hanging on to?”  These vets run great scams these ways so beware.  People tend to have their pets live in suffer way too long in an attempt to appease their guilt for euthanzing them when in fact it is more compassionate to do so.  You have to let nature take care of nature.  What gave Kiki life is untouched by life and death.   What was her ground is your ground, that from which you arise and she arises is untouched by life and death.  There is no suffering there at all. Please let her go and let your pain go.  We continue and exacerbate our suffering with regret and ‘what if’s’ yet while in this state we do not see true living in the moment.  We become prisoners of our thoughts about what life and death is or should be from our perspective rather than experiencing it fully, here and now, as it is.  That which is the source of all life is right now in front of you, in you, you.  Our attachments to how we want things to be rather than seeing what they are prevents us from seeing the wonder of life in the moment.  I know this is very difficult to grasp when you are in a swamp of sadness and debt but it is still real.
   What you did for Kiki you did out of compassion and nature knows that.  Now treat yourself compassionately and treat yourself well.  Let the source of life bloom through you.
I hope this helps you. Take care,
  Joe