Expert: Judy - 6/7/2010

Question
I am romantically involved with a man who has a budist understanding of life. since our involvement I have grown interested in budism myself, and found learning about it to be  a very relieving experience. I am also trying to apply this learning to my personal relationship with him and instead of making demands, I just care for him and not be bothered with cliche expectations. however, my only concern is about commitment, especially in the sexual sense. while I understand that it is almost ridicalous to promise absolute commitment, on the other hand I feel that having the right intention not to be swayed by every other sexual desire will be healthier for a caring relationship. I have not talked these over with this person, so I can not speak for him, however I sense that he has a great aversion to any promises of that kind. Could you be kind enough to explain to me whether romantic commitment and budist way of life go hand in hand or not?

Answer
Hi,

Thanks for the question.

Buddhism is all about consciousness.  Consciousness is what all comes with human beings by nature; whereas laws, ideals, moralities, customs, and rules are developed or made by people.  One country’s customs and ideals may be different from that of another.  Thus, we should NOT generalize anything according to one particular law, country, culture, or ideal.  

The way Buddhism is to bring our consciousness, awareness, and mindfulness into our daily life.  The Buddhist teachings have to be applied in everyday life, or concepts or knowledge of it is useless.  The third of the Buddhist Five Precepts states: to refrain from sensual (including sexual) misconduct.  A lot of people interpret this precept as "no sexuality outside of marriage."  What people understand is quite limited; we shouldn't treat any Buddhist teachings as any type of laws or rules, or even right or wrong.  

Some cultures still practice polygamy nowadays.  As monogamy practitioners, it’s not for us to criticize or judge other practices upon what we see as wrongdoing.  Let’s say that person Z used to have sexual misconduct and then vowed to take this third Buddhist precept in order to refrain himself from doing it again.  He then is very good not to touch any girl, except his only girlfriend.  His girlfriend is very happy about it.  Nevertheless, what this girlfriend does not know is that person Z always fantasizes a different girl each time when he has the intimacy with the girlfriend.  His mind is still craving for different girls.  He thinks about all other girls all the time.  Do you think that the girlfriend should be just happy about person Z not physically touching any other girls, or he should be both physical and mental refrain from any sexuality or imagination?  People view things differently, and it is difficult to define the line.  

A more accurate approach to the third precept is to use our own awareness and consciousness.  We have to clearly understand ourselves and what we need/want in order to solve any problems or doubts.  First of all, ask yourself if you would be ok or happy when he does such and such.  What’s the bottom line for you?  Probe yourself with questions.  Once you come up with all the answers for your own questions, you need to communicate with him.  Can he agree with what you want?  Can there be any compromises?  Where do you draw the line upon the agreement with each other?  If there is no agreement, whatsoever, then either one of you would be suffering based upon each other’s expectations and conducts.  It does not matter how deeply you two are in love, sooner or later, the disagreement would be on the way.  Sooner to end the relationship is better than later, if no agreement exists.

To study Buddhism is not just to learn about doctrine, history, concept, or philosophy, but the most fundamentally is to LEARN about YOURSELF.  Only when you completely understand yourself, then you would in general understand the entire human race.  Ultimately, you can then have compassion for others and even other life forms.  Once you understand what you need, what you don’t want, what you cannot accept, you would understand much better why others get angry or sad.  Then, you would have a better time being with any kinds of people.  You would know how to solve relationship problems or other trivial things.  That’s the wisdom we talk about.

The Buddha has shown us the way, but we are the ones who have to see the light ourselves.