Expert: Justin Choo - 7/10/2010

Question
Hello, Justin Choo. I think it is great that you're helping others in need during their time of struggle in life. I, myself, is having trouble. I am a 15 year old girl who is Vietnamese and my parents are very high demanding of me. I try to work hard in school to get a scholarship and I'm doing the best I can but they don't understand how stressed and overwhelmed I can feel with school. Plus, whenever I do sports, they never support me. All their nagging has made me lose confidence and I'm always questioning myself if I can achieve my goals or not. My parents believe in Buddhism but I don't understand why they're doing this to me. Thanks, Justin Choo.

Answer
Hi Brianna,

I wonder whether you are from the same location as the other young man who shared similar sentiments.  You can read my comment here:
http://en.allexperts.com/q/Buddhists-948/2010/7/Buddhism-114.htm

Below is an extract of what I wrote:
[The first thing you should consider is that it is very natural for parents to want their children to succeed in life. "Success" inevitably means you are well-educated, well-qualified, hold a respectable and desired profession, and ultimately financial success.  The problem with parents (at times, including me) is that they can't think of anything else as being "successful" in life.  Anything short of this expectation would mean disappointment to them.  It certainly takes much more to be wise parents! With this understanding, I hope you will be able to do your best and not disappointment them, although this expectation may not seem to be that reasonable and wise.  Of course if the children can achieve the expectations, well and good.  And in your case I have full confidence in you.  Unfortunately, not all children are like you.  Most are average.  I am also average.  And parents become unreasonably disappointed when their average children did not meet with their "above-average" expectations.  Then problems arise.]


<< "My parents believe in Buddhism but I don't understand why they're doing this to me." >>

Being Buddhists do not necessarily mean that they understand and practise Buddhism.  Even so, as I wrote above, parents want their children to be successful, although they most often go overboard.  This is so especially when the parents have experienced hardship in their lives.  Please be patient with them and just do your best.  Let me quote what I wrote to that young man:

[  There is nothing NOW that you can do about it.  Tradition and culture are rigidly ingrained in certain communities for whatever reasons.  We cannot influence their indoctrinated mind to think otherwise. Right now, you try to respect their wishes, which to be fair to them are usually good wishes for you. Of course there are flaws in their approach.  When you have made good in life and be able to hold your own, then you can change circumstances which are within your control.  You can then set things right in you own ways.  You don't have to be a slave anymore to "out-dated" and bigotted tradition and culture.  You can then bring up your children the wise and reasonable way.  But right now, you must persevere and be patient, and try to respect your parents' wishes. ]


Again may I close this by another "copy & paste" from the same source:

[ Thank you for reading this.  Remember, I am 60 years old.  I share this thoughts from my own experiences with a Buddhist perspective.  Hope you have a good and happy and successful life ahead.  Would be glad if you would pop-in again in due course to let me know how you have doing. ]

May I add; I am Asian and I am already a grandfather.  I fully understand what you are going through.  Personally if I have all the "power" in the world, I would let you have all the freedom to conduct your life with responsibility!  But reality dictates that all of us will have to go through life with the ups and downs.  Asian family values are quite different from Western family values, as you would know by now.  So just hang on and you will be OK!

Take care.

Justin Choo