Expert: Anandapanyo Bhikkhu - 8/26/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hello sir,
I am practicing Buddhism, the major problem I face is that I
am unable to bring down my attachment level with my
lover.Its a one sided love, he does not love me though we
are great friends.I broke all my contacts with him, I
understand what is right and true,I genuinely want to follow
the path shown by Buddha.But when I ask myself,it seems that
I will happily accept all the pains for n number of births
if I get a chance to marry him.What do I do? How do I
convince my heart and my mind? Please help me.....

ANSWER: Dear Vinodini,

Thank you for the opportunity to answer your question.

"What do I do? How do I convince my heart and my mind?"

There are two main ways for me to answer your question. First is the general explanation of how it works. Second is the practical and applicable method of solving your problem.


General Explanation:

The heart and mind take two major things to convince them:

One is evidence. There must be an abundance of evidence for the mind and heart to be convinced of something that it doesn't readily want to believe.

Two is fear. We must have a healthy fear of the pain, perils and dangers of doing a wrong or misguided action. Without fear, we cannot fully convince ourselves to stop.

For example, who do we not just into a fire? Because we have abundance evidence that people who do that are badly hurt and many have died. We see how wood and other combustibles flame up and burn quickly. We know that we would encounter the very same thing.

But in addition to that knowledge, we know that fire is hot. We have touched hot things before, been burned before and it was not a pleasant experience. It is that fear of pain and suffering that firmly prevents us from jumping into or even getting close to the fire.

So, in order for you to understand what is "right and true" and in order to "follow the path shown by the Buddha" we must find evidence and convince ourselves of the pain and suffering that will come with our decisions.

Another thing is that the Buddha taught that everything has two sides to it. A coin has heads and tails. The world has men and women. There is the sun and moon. There is an undeniable duality to the entire universe. Therefore, every good thing someone has, also has a bad side. Every bad side, has a good side.

We suffer mainly because we only see one side. Once we see both sides, we can have equanimity. That is, knowing that one decision or the other will have both good and bad consequences. Once we are aware of it, then we can begin to plan accordingly and minimize the collateral damage.


Now the practical and application answer:

Make a list of all the things you like about him. Then make a list of the things standing in your way. Then on the right side of each thing you like about him, write down what dangers that trait can have. Then find a list of things about him that are not so good. Then find out the dangers and perils of being with someone with those traits.

So, either you can attempt the practical and applicable answer on your own, or I can guide you through each step. The first step is to write down a list of all the things you like or desire about this person. (you can send your question privately if you'd like) After that, we can work on the next step.

Falling for him was a process (not immediate)...therefore to convince your mind to release this attachment...it will be a process as well..

Whatever your decision, I wish for wisdom and the power to see it through.

Sincerely,

Phra Anandapanyo

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello sir,I am practicing buddhism as you know,I am meditating  
whenever I feel like,morning and evening is must.I try to
concentrate on my breath without thinking anything else.I
wanted to know if its enough or what else shall I do?

ANSWER: Dear Vinodini,

Unfortunately, Meditating alone is not enough (even though many people will tell you that it is). Meditating is like the sharpening of a knife or the charging of a battery. It is used to prepare the unit for work.

We meditate so that we are focused and alert. Once focused and alert, we must focus on the problem or situation we are faced with. We must figure out why are in our situation and spend time trying to fight a way out of it.

Many people think that meditation is the way to practice Buddhism. I stress that it is not. No one has ever really solved their problems with meditation. Meditation can act as a pain reliever (aspirin). You can take it and feel better, but only while meditating. Once you leave the meditative state, you will be bombarded with the problems you tried to hide from.

The reason for this is that people are misunderstanding the value and purpose of meditating. It is to sharpen and center the mind. Once centered, we must begin our contemplation.

Sincerely,

Phra Anandapanyo

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: What do I do sir?I am just trapped into that cycle,I am born
here out of a breeding process,what's my aim?I dont want to
follow up things what others do?Why to run blindly behind
job,money,status or any rubbish thing discovered by humans
for to keep themselves engaged life long?Is for this I am
born?Get a job,marry,have kids,die and then again get reborn
and follow up the same cycle?I want to come out,I seriously
dont see a point in living or enjoying this life?What is the
permanent me,my permanent identity of soul?Who is recording
the karma?To what extent our karma makes difference?Why if a
lion kills a goat,its not a sin,and if humans do it,it
becomes murder?I am all in darkness,what to do? I can not
live like this,if I die I will again be born doing the same?
Where is the end? Please,show me a path sir,please,I am
feeling all trapped! Help me,show me the path if there
is!What I am? What is my soul,body and mind?From where to
start?How to research?There are lots more questions which
keeps me disturbing always?I want peace,please,show me the
path.Whats the balance between god,nature and karma?Please
show me a path to peace...........

Answer
Dear Vinodini,

"What do I do sir?"

You must practice diligently to free yourself from the rounds of rebirth. If that is what you want.


"I am just trapped into that cycle,I am born here out of a breeding process,what's my aim?

Your aim is to truly see the suffering in this world, internalize and use it as the driving force to not want to return. We only return to this world because there is something we feel we are missing - maybe we want to be more handsome (beautiful), better shape, sexier, richer, more love, more fun, more games.... Whatever it is, that is what we come back for. We fail to realize that other people have already had what we want, and even they are not happy. Even they want more...that is why people are reborn. So, one step in the process is to see that there is NOBODY worth envying...

"I dont want to follow up things what others do?"

The only way is to find evidence of why you shouldn't. Without evidence, your mind will not fully be convinced.

"Why to run blindly behind job,money,status or any rubbish thing discovered by humans for to keep themselves engaged life long? Is for this I am born? Get a job,marry,have kids,die and then again get reborn and follow up the same cycle? "

We shouldn't. But while we are here, use these things as evidence of the immense suffering in this world. Yes, we are born for these very things.

"I want to come out,I seriously dont see a point in living or enjoying this life?"

You need to continuously search for evidence. Don't stop. There is never enough until you are sure you won't be reborn.

"What is the permanent me,my permanent identity of soul?"

There is no permanent me, only the temporary one you have constructed this life and will construct next life.

"Who is recording the karma?"

You are. It is kept in your perceptions and memory.

"To what extent our karma makes difference?"

It makes all the difference. It is the script to the play that is your life. You can change karma - only if you change your perceptions.

"Why if a lion kills a goat,its not a sin,and if humans do it,it
becomes murder?"

Who says. Both are killing. Whoever does it will reap the results of their actions. Period. No matter animal or human.

"I am all in darkness,what to do?"

Use wisdom and learn. Wisdom is the light that will light your darkness. Search for the impermanence in your life. Understand your short-comings and fix them.

"I can not live like this,if I die I will again be born doing the same?"

As long as your perceptions have not changed....yes, you will be reborn and do the same.


"Please,show me a path sir,please,I am feeling all trapped! Help me,show me the path if there is!What I am? What is my soul,body and mind?From where to start?How to research?There are lots more questions which keeps me disturbing always?I want peace,please,show me the path.Whats the balance between god,nature and karma?Please
show me a path to peace..........."

The path is long and not easy to explain. You have asked a lot of questions. If you would like, I will give you some homework.

Find the impermanence in your life.

Step one:

Give me a long list of things that you think should be a certain way, but in fact they are not.

Give me a long list of things you wish didn't change, but it did.

Give me a long list of things that left you, that you wish it didn't


Sincerely,

Phra Anandapanyo