Expert: Anandapanyo Bhikkhu - 9/18/2010

Question
Dear Sir

I would have a number of questions relating to sexual misconduct (Kamei-su-mei'sa-sara - the third of basic five precepts). They are as follows.

1. Suppose just grown up teen lovers (a boy and a girl,  about age 17-18 and are still in the custody of their parents)have consensual sex before formal marriage. Does this amount to sexual misconduct (to both boy and girl)?

2. Suppose formally engaged (not married yet)couple engage in consensual sex. Does this amount to sexual misconduct (to both man and woman)?

3. Suppose a married man has an extra-marital relation with a girlfriend (a grown up but unmarried woman) and they have consensual sex. Does this amount to sexual misconduct (to both man and woman?)

4. Suppose two grown cup man and woman (in 30s/40s or above, both unmarried) have consensual sex before formal marriage. Does this amount to sexual misconduct (to both man and woman)?

Sorry Sir, I have made 4 long questions. Please take ample time to answer to my questions above. Thank you very much for your advice and answers.

Answer
Dear Myo,

Thank you for the opportunity to answer your questions.

Before I answer your questions, I would like to explain that age is not a major factor in sexual misconduct. Our intentions, our understandings, and OTHERS' understanding are the major factors in determining this precept.

Secondly, there are many levels to this precept. There is the black and white version, and there is the detailed version.

In the black and white version, if you have sexual relations with someone who has a girlfriend/wife/husband/boyfriend/significant other...you have already broken this precept. Or if you have sexual relations with someone with their parent/guardian/caretaker's blessing, you have already broken this precept. This precept deals with taking sexually what others think you had no right to do. So, even if two young adults are in love, but their parents don't approve, this is also sexual misconduct to a degree.

This precept stems from the usage of sexuality to hurt others emotionally. So, in any case where there is sexual conduct that hurts others, this precept has already been broken.

For the questions that follow, I will give the black and white answer - that is - right or wrong. But please be aware that there is much grey area...

"1. Suppose just grown up teen lovers (a boy and a girl,  about age 17-18 and are still in the custody of their parents)have consensual sex before formal marriage. Does this amount to sexual misconduct (to both boy and girl)?"

Having sex before marriage is NOT sexual misconduct. Age does not matter.

"2. Suppose formally engaged (not married yet)couple engage in consensual sex. Does this amount to sexual misconduct (to both man and woman)?"

Once again, having sex before being married is not sexual misconduct.

3. Suppose a married man has an extra-marital relation with a girlfriend (a grown up but unmarried woman) and they have consensual sex. Does this amount to sexual misconduct (to both man and woman?)

Any extra-marital relation is sexual misconduct. A husband can only have sexual relations with his wife (as long as she is willing) and a wife can only have sexual relations with her husband (as long as he is willing) - with anyone else - it is sexual misconduct.

"4. Suppose two grown cup man and woman (in 30s/40s or above, both unmarried) have consensual sex before formal marriage. Does this amount to sexual misconduct (to both man and woman)?"

Sex before marriage is not sexual misconduct as long as it is not with someone who has a significant other.

I hope I have answered your questions.

Sincerely,

Phra Anandapanyo