Expert: Joe McSorley - 1/19/2011

Question
Hi Joe
I am trying to understand a problem I am having and I need the perspective of a Taoist. Although I and somewhat familiar with Taoism, I do not claim to understand its depth or meaning and how it applies to relationships with others.

Background: I came from a dysfunctional family situation, and have issues with relationships because of it. I spent time in traditional therapy for self esteem issues because of this but still had no breakthrough on my realtionship issues until recently.

Recently I came back into contact with someone from my long ago past, this person also had a dysfunctional family, drug addiction, etc and went to rehab before I had met them. In Rehab they had been introduced to Taoism and have followed this practice/ lifestyle to this day.

We had fallen in love via the mail and one day I was surprised by a visit in person. When I answered the door I was overwhelmed by this person making a long journey just to meet me. I was also embarrased because I did not have time to prepare mentally and I had a parent in a state of rage against me. I was ashamed of my family situation. I turned this person away. I know that I hurt this person. Later I tired to apologize and explain my poor choice of reactions. By then, they would not hear me out. I feel this person thought I was trying to make a fool of them. I was not.
I accept my own poor choice from that day, and accept the consqeunces. Still I have need to be understood and forgiven if possible. I am NOT a taoist nor claim to be. I have an EGO, I will and can accept I may not be forgiven. Yet, to not be heard by this person in some way blocks me from moving forward, as I believe in trying to make wrongs right. Yes for myself, but also because I know I did hurt this person, and I wish them no more painful memory.
Today, I have limited contact with this person on occassion. Often times this person will completely dismiss me as if I do not exist. Even though I may make a statement in support of this person and the job they are doing.

This confuses me, as I do not understand how this can be, if "BE HERE NOW" concept is being practiced and that is the reason why I cannot go to the past with this person...as past does not exist.
If we are in present here and now, I am also treated as non-existant. Actually, deliberately ignored, and my input thrown out with the bathwater.

How can one be in a state of no thought, yet make such moves against another. For what purpose? I am trying to understand this person, and be acknowledging of their practices in a fair sense, but I didnt sign on to be taoist, and do not understand how this person can actually be taoist and act this way toward another. How is this balance and harmony?

It lowers team spirit, afecting other team members, and progress levels, both on a personal and public/professional way. I wish to find balance in this just as much as the next person, Is there something Taoist I am missing in order to "be" in peace with this person? I admit I do not understand Tao and do not understand this persons reactions toward me today. ( unless they are a fraud in their beliefs) What lesson is this person trying to teach so to speak? I am hurt again now too (once for the pain I caused then, and now because they feel they must hurt me  as well.)

What purpose? What part of Taoism am I missing here?

Answer
Hello Sunday,   
  Clearly you are in pain and you want a solution to your pain.  You want to know why it is happening and how to remedy it and you want a rationale for it.  You seek to find this rationale through your friend’s belief system and want to hold them accountable for it; if they are a Taoist then how can you be this way?  You want them to justify their behaviour towards you and back it up with their belief system.  Well, human life really doesn’t work that way for we most often are not the ideals we might profess to be.  If they were a Christian would you be writing a minister and asking how this person could be a Christian and act this way? Do you demand of the Christians in your workplace that they justify their actions through their religion?  I think you most likely would not do this.  I cannot condemn or promote your friend’s actions nor can I analyze them through the prism of Taoism.  It would be unfair of me to do so.  Perhaps if someone were preaching a philosophy or religion to me regularly I might address it but I don’t know if this is the case here.  I think the real problem here is that you are in an irresolvable situation and you cannot accept it.  By attempting to understand it through a belief system I think you are missing the issues at hand. People are people no matter what ideals they purport to live up to.  If they had reached the ideal of Taoist awakening they perhaps would not act this way but that’s not the case here.
   You want to gain harmony and balance through your relationship with another person and you are putting the burden on them for this to happen.  Balance is between self and the universe, to see things as they are and to know who you are in relationship to everything else.  It is not contingent upon your relationship with one person. For one thing it assumes that the other person is whole and balanced in themselves. How can you achieve balance with someone who is most likely not in balance and in pain their self?  From the Taoist perspective it is the human condition itself that is problematic so you can’t seek a solution there.  Another person cannot be responsible for your happiness.  Right now you need them to validate your feelings on the topic while not validating their way of handling it.  It’s a dilemma. You cannot expect the other person to live up to your expectations of them and you can’t divert this to an issue of their Taoist beliefs. This isn’t about Taoism but about the pain you feel.
   This person is dealing with the situation in the only way they know how be it right or wrong.  Their life has led them to be this way, it’s all they know how to do to handle it.  One day they might have some break through and see things differently but that’s not the case now.  When you turned them away it was all you knew how to do to handle the situation.  You weren’t trying to be mean or anything else, you just did what you knew how to do. Since that time you see things differently but when it happened you were unswayable.   It may be that it took this person everything to show up at your house, that they were extremely vulnerable and it was a great risk to their psyche to do so but they did it anyway.  Now they might be terrified to trust you with their vulnerability again.  Think of how you were when they came to your door, what you felt and how you couldn’t deal with it.  They might be stuck in that dilemma now when they see you and they don’t know how to face it.  Perhaps something in Taoism will free their mind, perhaps some other system will do it.  There is no way of knowing. They don’t know how to handle it and instead of asking you to leave as you did to them they are just ignoring you.  It’s all they know how to do with or without a religious system to follow.  They are most likely not trying to teach you something but trying to protect their self emotionally. It takes compassion to see this.
       I don’t know how well you live up to your ideals or religious beliefs.  I don’t think you would want someone challenging you on them and asking you to justify your life by them. I don’t think it would be fair for someone to ask you what lesson you were trying to teach by your actions.  All we can do is to do the best we can do to live up to ideals.  Whether we achieve them or not is inconsequential if we are trying.  You might not see the results you want but it is what it is. If you want the possibility of a relationship with this person all you can do is open yourself up to them and be there when and if they are ready to hear and receive you.  You can only offer compassion and patience and see where life takes you. You can’t force them to open up.
 
   There are some wrongs in our lives, minor or otherwise, that we can’t make right.  We call these regrets. You can’t ever straighten them out or take them back; you just live with them and move on.  There are people that have accidentally killed others, their siblings or children, because of a moment of carelessness and there is nothing they can do to change it. They must go on ever knowing what has happened and having to live with it. It’s irreconcilable.   It’s just that simple. It’s painful to live with but it is what life is.  We move on. I often say we don’t get over pain, we get used to it. Though your situation is not irrevocable it does not mean it will be resolved. It is your desire to have things differently that holds you back.  Accept that you cannot change it and move on, otherwise you will forever renew the pain of this situation in your mind.  You need to be alive now and not dwell on what you want life to be but see what it is.  It seems that both of you are hanging onto a painful situation from separate sides.  I truly hope you can let go.
         I hope this has helped you.  Take care,
             Joe