Expert: Justin Choo - 11/22/2011

Question
QUESTION: Dear Mr Choo,

I need to seek your advice concerning sensitive issues of couples who have different religious beliefs after marriage.

This was what happened :

My wife decided to follow her foster mother's religious belief which is Taoism and stop believing in Buddhism which was her initial religion.

She proceed to put a taoist deity in our house without discussing with me and seeking my consent first.She even make arrangement to put together with her altar together with her when she leave the world in future.

I cannot accept this due to my marriage values and life principles.I believed that her foster mother was using religion as a tool to separate us because she was serarate from her husband due to religious issues after he left the world.

Question 1

How do i continue to carry on with my faith in Buddhism in this situation?

I had stop believing in Buddhism for many years due to this.I was a devoted buddhist since the teenage years till this incident happened after marriage.

Question 2

How do i resolve the issue of being separate from my wife when she leave the world due to different religious belief in future?

Thanks for your time.

Looking forward to your reply.

ANSWER: Hi Koh,

Before I try to give my comments, I need to state that there may be other factors that resulted to this situation.  The comments are purely my personal opinion.  

Question 1

"How do i continue to carry on with my faith in Buddhism in this situation?

I had stop believing in Buddhism for many years due to this.I was a devoted buddhist since the teenage years till this incident happened after marriage."

I don't quite understand this.  Since you have stopped believing in Buddhism, the question does not arise.  If you really want to practise Buddhism, no one can stop you.  If you understand Buddhism, there is no problem at all.  Being a Buddhist means to follow the teachings of the Buddha.  There need not be any outward display that you are a Buddhist.




Question 2

"How do i resolve the issue of being separate from my wife when she leave the world due to different religious belief in future?"

Perhaps you want to elaborate on this question.  I don't quite understand.  In the Buddhist perspective when a person is dead, there is nothing left to resolve.


This much I could comment.

Take care.

Justin Choo



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Mr Choo,

Thanks for your constructive comments.

I had stopped practising Buddhism in order to maintain a healthy relationship with my wife.I do not want to have any conflict and effect our marriage relationship due to different religious beliefs.

Although i had stopped practising Buddhism,i still believe in Buddhism and the teaching of Buddha.I will like to be practising Buddhism again if there is a solution to get over this.

Pertaining to question one,

There need not be any outward display that you are a Buddhist.

Do you mean that i do not need to put a Buddha statue/image at home or wear things that symbolise that i am practising Buddhism?

Is it still a usual practise for Buddhist to put Buddha statue at home for practising Buddhism nowadays?

How do i stand firm on my belief and carry on to practice Buddhism in a situation whereby i cannot put a Buddha statue in my home?

I believe that it is best for couple shared the same religious belief for a good marriage relationship and harmony.

Pertaining to question two,

I understand that.

I will like to elaborate that question.

How do i pay respect to my wife when she put her altar with her foster mother after she left the world in future?

I cannot accept that my altar to be separated from my wife's altar because of different religious belief.This goes against my marriage values of staying faithful & devotion and the chinese tradition.

Appreciated for your time.

ANSWER: Hi Koh,

<<Do you mean that i do not need to put a Buddha statue/image at home or wear things that symbolise that i am practising Buddhism?>>

Precisely.  You need not have to do all these things.  Most important is practising the teachings of the Buddha, keeping the basic 5 precepts.


<<Is it still a usual practise for Buddhist to put Buddha statue at home for practising Buddhism nowadays?>>

It is a tradition that we place a Buddha statue to pay reverence. But if circumstances do not permit, then this is no great deal.


<<How do i stand firm on my belief and carry on to practice Buddhism in a situation whereby i cannot put a Buddha statue in my home?>>

As I explained above.  It is your personal conduct that is important.  You don't have to impose on anyone.

<<I believe that it is best for couple shared the same religious belief for a good marriage relationship and harmony.>>

Ideally it is.  But not necessary, as I know of couples with different beliefs living in harmony as they respect each other's right to believe.  However this section of people are limited, as most people are egoistically bent on wanting the other party to believe like them.

  

<<How do i pay respect to my wife when she put her altar with her foster mother after she left the world in future?

I cannot accept that my altar to be separated from my wife's altar because of different religious belief.This goes against my marriage values of staying faithful & devotion and the chinese tradition.>>

If you are really a practising Buddhist who understands the pristine teachings of the Buddha, you will not have this problem.  The Buddhist perspective to life is that once the person is dead, he/she is "dead and gone".  This person is not here anymore.  Why the fuss over how to "pay respect" when one is dead?  And what about when both are dead?  Are you sure that both your alters will be there for ever?  Take even 50 years, would you think your descendants will still remember both of you?  Can you still remember your great grandparents, great great grandparents, and the other past ancestors?

If you can ponder wisely over my comments, then that is Buddhism for you.  As true Buddhists we don't have such problems worrying and arguing over all these trivial things. All these worries/arguments arise because of our ignorance about life and existence.  Buddhism is about gaining insight and understand of the reality of existence, and to experience contentment, inner peace and real happiness.

Take care.

Justin Choo  

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Mr Choo,

I agreed with you after pondering over your wise constructive comments.Hence,it is not easy when i get to do it.

How do i handle a situation whereby it is the other way round,another person is trying to impose his/her religion on us and use it to effect our marriage?

According to the Buddha's teachings,had i done something wrong or is not a good husband if i go ahead with my religious belief and my wife was happy about it?

How do i get back to practise Buddhism again after so many years of not being in contact with Buddhism?

I still have the interest and desires to understand and learn more about Buddhism.

Thanks.

Mr Koh

Answer
Hi Mr Koh,

<<How do i handle a situation whereby it is the other way round,another person is trying to impose his/her religion on us and use it to effect our marriage?>>
I am not able to advise you on this issue because I don't know the details.  Even if you provide the details, it is still not right for me to provide comments because I only hear from one side, and will never know the full situation.  The most I could say is that if your wife is aware of this problem, then both of you can take concerted actions to disperse this problem.  Otherwise, you need to think hard and assert yourself in the most practical way.


<<According to the Buddha's teachings,had i done something wrong or is not a good husband if i go ahead with my religious belief and my wife was happy about it?>>
Buddhism is not like this.  By the way, if "your wife is happy about it" then what's the problem?

How do i get back to practise Buddhism again after so many years of not being in contact with Buddhism?
I would say that you have not fully grasped the teachings of the Buddha.  If you had, you would still be following the teachings of the Buddha.  For a start, you may like to read the blog by Rev Dhammika @ http://sdhammika.blogspot.com/

You may then like to pay the Reverend a visit and participate in the activities there.  Please mention my name and wish him well for me.  From there you may get first hand advice from him.

Take care.

Justin Choo