Expert: Justin Choo - 3/31/2011

Question
QUESTION: Thank you for being here.

Today I am struggling with some words of the Dalai Lama in the Dalai Lama's Little Book of Wisdom.  My study and practice of Buddhism is new - about 2 years, and I struggle with compassion in the midst of people who are negative and angry.  

After efforts to make a more friendly atmosphere with this one person in my family, I continue to be met with anger.  I intellectually understand where it came from and I have owned the time of my life where I did not handle this well and so contributed to the tension between us.  I have talked with this loved one about forgiving and staying in the now and trying to carve a new relationship.  

I will now quote Dalai Lama on page 307:  "whether the response of others is positive or negative, you must first create the ground of friendliness.  If others will respond to you negatively after this, then you have the right to act accordingly."

I do not read what "act accordingly" means.  I am thinking to just pull back from this person and avoid as much contact as I can, but I seek advice on what "act accordingly" can mean in loving Buddhist practice.

If you can offer advice or your interpretation, I would be grateful.  

A practitioner who cannot claim to be even close to Boddhicitta, but will pass this spirit on with better karma to the next sentient being that may come of this effort :)  

A sister in practice - Mony

ANSWER: Hi Mony,

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

"whether the response of others is positive or negative, you must first create the ground of friendliness.  If others will respond to you negatively after this, then you have the right to act accordingly."

Based on the fact that the Dalai Lama is a very compassionate and peace loving person, I would interprete it to mean that after you have done your best, and still not successful, then you are free to go your own way.  I am definite that he does not mean that you can now retaliate negatively or aggressively towards this person.

Take care.

Justin Choo

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you, and I am very sure the Dalai Lama would not think at all of retaliation, and neither would I.  I am just unsure how to act accordingly when in the presence of hostility and negativity from a family member I see maybe on a monthly basis.  

I do work on being silent and loving, but being human after several - for want of a better word - insults, I find my patience and compassion waning.  I do try to remove myself for a short period.  

But just in general, when it is clear a person is not going to change his or her ways, and if you cannot avoid that person entirely, what then is act accordingly?  Talking about how it feels and hoping that will make a positive change I know now is useless.  

 This is a practice for life, and I am proud of the advances I have made.  I also look at these encounters as learning times, but then it kind of gets abusive and I don't know how to remain loving to both me and that person or for how long it is constructive to keep turning the other cheek.  

Thank you again, and if there is no further answer, I understand.

Answer
Hi Mony,

If circumstances prevent you from physically disassociating yourself from this person, then looks like you don't have much choice but to be a good Buddhist and just "let sleeping dogs lie".

Please remember, as the Buddha pointed out; this world is at times "difficult to bear" (Dukkha).

Please take care.

May you have peace through having the wisdom to practise the teachings of the Buddha.

Justin Choo