Expert: Joe McSorley - 3/29/2011

Question
I lost my 43yr son 3yrs ago through drug addiction. his death was sudden .we are a very close family but sadly because of his behaviour we didnt see him for the 6mths before he died, I would like to ask your advice as to how I can start to find some peace and remember my son in happier times and the love we shared instead of all the negative and dark thoughts relating to his death thank you .

Answer
Dear Libby,
  I am truly sorry for the grief and suffering you and your family are going through.  This pain has also touched my family.  In the past three years I’ve lost a nephew and a neighbor under similar circumstances.  They were both good people who were overcome by their frailties and died in an ugly manner.  Those of us who do not have the tendencies for addiction often have a hard time understanding what it does to the victim.  It is not just a matter of will or discipline; it goes deep into their physical makeup profoundly distorting their view of the world and their selves.  When someone is ravaged by disease we don’t blame them for it or when each year allergies make them miserable we don’t think they are weak or self-centered.  Addictions do similar things to us.  They take us over involuntarily and we do things that are completely outside of our normal consciousness.  For those not affected by this we can’t understand their behavior and make judgments about it.  In this state they cannot control their behavior; their thought patterns are warped and their ability to be rational or discerning is destroyed.  It’s like computer software that goes awry; no matter how you run the program it’s going to come out wrong.
    When you think of your son you think of what he did and not who he was.  When he was a baby you had a deep connection that rose from deep within you, beyond thoughts and ideas, so that you loved him deeply.  You saw him for who he was and not what he did. You had no judgments about him.  You saw the pure person and not the one that is encumbered by self- image.  As our children age we still maintain a semblance of this connection, they are still our babies even if they are 6’4” and 215 lbs.  We see that source that was always there even though at times they make it very difficult by their behavior.  We feel this connection with our entire being and not with our minds.  We have to let the thoughts of them go and see them purely as we did years ago for they are intrinsically still that person. In the rare times my son and I get into a big argument I stop reacting to him and just see the baby/kid/guy I’ve always known.  It often causes me to grin in the heat of an argument because I love him so deeply and no matter what our differences that is untouched.  The storm that is the argument is just blowing across the surface of a much greater relationship. It is not who he is but what he is doing. It is circumstance not substance.  I try never to lose sight of this deeper connection.
      Whatever your son fell into, whatever he did, was just the turmoil on top of the sea of his being, just waves blowing across it.  He was still the same underneath and everything joyful thing you ever saw in him was untouched by those choppy waves.  Try to look through your thoughts of him and feel the deep connection you had to whom he was and not to what he did.  If he had a bad illness instead of addiction would you cling to the memory of his sickness rather than the deep relationship that pre-existed it?  You would remember him as someone who was a good person but that had suffered.  Now he is free from that suffering.  His suffering is ended and I am sure he would not want you to carry it on within you.
   Consider this; if you were the one with the addiction and you were dying while your son was watching over you, what would you want him to do?  How would you want him to remember you and would you want him to carry the burden of your pain into his life?
    Find some pictures of better times and place them where you see them often. Rekindle that love for that person in the picture and not the pained one you carry in your mind.  See the true person underneath that was never fettered by the problems of life.
   Good luck to you.  I know your road is very difficult.  I hope that this offers you some relief.
          Joe