Expert: Joe McSorley - 3/3/2011

Question
This is a difficult question for me to phrase... I'll try my best to explain.

In short everything I do becomes a concept, becomes a "thing", an "object". Not thinking becomes thinking, letting go turns into hanging on, being here now turns into worrying about the past and future... nothing I do lessens my ego, there seems to be no escape. In trying to be here now I look back to see if I have been focused during the day, and fear that I will become lost in thought in the future. In not thinking I make more barriers in my mind that fear thought and try to push it away, become anxious when I do think. Every conceivable action I do is only another layer of thought added on, and doing nothing just lets the thoughts simmer and go their rampant way the way they used to.

How?? How can we ever be rid of thought without thinking it away, how can you ever let go without hanging on to the idea of letting go? "Just doing" the practice turns into another "method", not thinking about the practice while doing it is just raises more thoughts about not thinking about not thinking. I still have no idea who I am, and trying to find out just turns into another treasure hunt after the gold at the end of the rainbow.

Where is the path, how can one free oneself? I thought I knew where it went but now I am lost.

Answer
Hello,
 Actually Nicholaas you stated it very well and it shows that you are now grasping the dilemma of the human consciousness. You don’t know how many times over the years I asked my teachers this exact question and they always gave me the same answer, it just took me a long time to realize it. Unfortunately most Zen practice just appeases or quiets the problem but it does not really address the problem and therefore the problem is not solved.  You have a chance to solve the problem.  What you have stated here was addressed by the theologian Paul Tillich in conversation with Shih ichi Hisamatsu years ago.  The exchange went like this:

Tillich: If I follow a path I won’t get there, correct?
Hisamatsu:  Yes, correct
Tillich:  If I don’t follow a path I won’t get there, correct?
Hisamatsu:  That is correct.
Tillich:  That’s a dilemma!
Hisamatsu:  That is the path you follow!

  There is not meant to be anything absurd or cryptic about this Hisamatsu is addressing this head on; you are the problem and facing it or not facing it you prolong the problem.  You have to get stuck so that you can’t reflect to face it.  This is not – not thinking.  Many people teach today in Zen that not thinking is the correct thinking.  This is completely wrong.  It has been criticized by many masters throughout history including the disgust that Rinzai (Lin chi) expressed when he called the people that practice this “shave pated sh*t sticks” (bald headed sh*t sticks).  Decades ago when I was in the depth of my practice I too came to the conclusion that not thinking was the way to go.  I practiced arduously for two years and then went to visit my teacher.  He asked, “what have you been up to these years?” and I happily replied, “practicing not thinking” and he blasted at me, “Not thinking is your thinking” and ended the conversation.  So we are not talking about the end of thought but the attempt to break down the process of separation that the mind does to think and judge so we can see things as they are and not as reflection.
   There are many ways to do this but if you don’t understand why you are doing it then it is useless.  You now seem to understand this and now your practice can be fruitful.  Now zazen, koan practice or mindfulness are not escapes from the dilemma but amplify the dilemma.  There is no ‘minute of zazen, minute of awakening’ here but rather the stark reality that you are stuck in a dilemma. Te-shan expressed it like this:

"If you utter a word, you get thirty blows!  If you
Do not utter a word, just the same, thirty blows!"

And Hisamatsu this:
"When whatever you do [or do not do] will not do, what do you do!"

These both express the dilemma and it is this dilemma you must face. Note that Hisamatsu did not end the phrase with a question mark but with an exclamation, an imperative, it sticks it in your face not to be reflected on or thought about but to face immediately.
   You are right, just doing the practice turns into another method and reinforces the ‘you’ that is doing the practice.  Ignoring the practice still reinforces the ‘you’ that is in frustration.  As I have said before it is a practice that becomes self-negating.  You cannot practice the guitar to overcome the guitar and be aware of the practice.  In doing so the separation between you and the guitar never vanishes however if you do not practice you will not overcome the separation between you and the guitar.  The difference now is that you realize that you are the problem and that you must be overcome to realize awakening.  Now you have to practice without expectation, just do it.  This is the only place faith comes into Zen practice; that you believe it can and will happen so you go for it.  When you see someone play the guitar so deeply and inspired you realize there is something there you don’t have and want to have so you have faith you can do it.  When you meet a great Zen master you realize there is something there unseen and unrealized by you, that they are not tortured like you are, and you seek for the same realization.
   The way to do it is to face the dilemma all the time.  Don’t analyze it or conjecture about it just face it and live your life.  Nisargadatta has the practice of “I am”.  He says just to face “I am” all the time. Make no judgment or qualities about it, just be it. This is a form of mindfulness.  The one fact of your existence you can be sure of is that you are, if you were not then you would not have the problem.  To face “I am” or “who am I” every second without failing may facilitate awakening.  All Zen practice is geared at stopping the process of self-reflection so ultimately they are all the same.
  Because of all of the misleading teachings and practices in Zen, particularly koan practice, Hisamatsu devised this koan: If whatsoever you do, or do not do, will not do, what do you do? That’s what you do, face that dilemma.  By doing so you set up the conditions for awakening.  It is not something that happens to you, it is not something you receive, it cannot be attained yet is already your nature.  
   I know it’s frustrating but you are on the right path.  Keep at it!
         Joe