Expert: Joe McSorley - 5/4/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hello, I was pondering whether or not romantic love and relationships can be compatible with a buddhist approach to life. I guess in particular zen, but interpret it however you want.

I ask because I broke up with my girlfriend this week, and over the past few days my mind has just been reeling and I have realized several things. First of all, the relationship I had with her was itself largely a mind-concept. I had an image of her in my mind, I was not seeing her as she was but how I perceived her. The way I related myself to her was also more ego, just identity-concepts that I had formed. "I am ____'s boyfriend" was a thought, not a reality. It's the same as thinking you own a car or own a house it seems. Secondly, I've realized how attached to her I was (and am, though I'm moving on now). Not being with her made me miserable, and being with her made me happy, it was just a desire like any other. All ego and mind-concepts.

So I suppose I have to ask, can an enlightened person have a romantic relationship? How can you perceive all as one and yet distinguish someone else as separate from you and then be attracted to them? I can't comment on what love is as I'm not sure I know, but it seems to me that romance is natural to humans, why would it be something that impedes self-realization? Going to the bathroom, bathing, working, and other normal relationships with people all seem to be compatible with a non-discriminating mind. It's all about *how* you have the relationship with a friend, whether you make it about ego or not, whether you expect things from them, etc. It's about *how* you work, focused and in the present or frustrated and distracted. But with romance, it seems to me that in principle it must involve the ego, must involve discrimination and duality no matter how you do it.

What do you think? This might have been somewhat vague, but I hope you got the gist of it. Thanks!

ANSWER: Nicholaas,
  I have not had access to a computer.  I will answer this tomorrow.  Sorry for the delay.
     Joe

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: No problem, don't worry about it.

Answer
Hello Nicholaas,
    I asked Masao Abe Sensei this question decades ago, particularly the part: “How can you perceive all as one and yet distinguish someone else as separate from you…”.  His response was, “Which would you prefer sunny days or cold, wet, muddy ones?”  To realize the oneness of things is not to discard the differences. In Hyajuko’s fox it’s the ‘not ignoring causation’.  Yes, you could live in almost any circumstance but just the biology of your being dictates certain things. Some are mere preferences and others are physical necessities.  Relationships are just that, relations, how things relate to one another. No matter what we realize we are still humans and thus subject to the nature of being human.  I think that romance is just one of the conditions that draws us together but it does not bind us together.  Like the scent of a good meal; it might draw you to the table but it’s the substance of the meal that will keep you there.  There is nothing unnatural about this, in fact without it we would not exist as a species. Nature is one and many.  The bee goes to the flower to continue both of their lives. It is one dynamic relationship and yet two relationships.  They cannot be separated; they are distinct but not separate.
   I actually think there is less ego in romance than in a relationship.  In the beginnings of romance we lose ourselves to the other person.  We are open and vulnerable and hopeful.  We invest our selves heart, mind and body.  As the haze of initial romance fades we are then face to face with another ego separated by all of our likes and dislikes, culture, history, religion and so on.  This is where the relationship gets difficult; when you have to live with the person as they are and not as you thought they were when you fell in love with them.  It is when people confuse romance and attraction with love that there is a great amount of trouble.
  When people talk about love they use many words to describe it; longing, caring, comfort, etc. but these things are what they are.  In other words caring is caring, longing is longing and so on.  But what is love in and of itself?  Is there this isolated thing called love or is it just a concept.  I would say mostly yes, that what people perceive as love is just a concept but the root of love is missed.  I think the idea of love, at its foundation, is selflessness.  That you are truly selfless in your concern for another.  This guides you to do what is best as opposed what is best for your own self-interest.  When we are unhappy in a relationship it is generally because our self-interest is not being fulfilled.  This could be socially, sexually or otherwise but it is our desires that stand between us and selflessness.  Many people do not really feel this until they have a child. Whether it’s instinctual or not I don’t know but there is a selflessness that arises that is beyond anything a romantic relationship yields.
    Learning to really love someone requires a selflessness that few people ever realize.  It is scary because you have to let go of your ego to see what is rather than what you desire.  This does not mean you are a slave to the other person or lost to them.  You still have a sense of self that can see and react appropriately rather than selfishly.
  I hope this helps you. Take care,
        Joe