Expert: Justin Choo - 4/30/2011

Question
Hello, I was pondering whether or not romantic love and relationships can be compatible with a buddhist approach to life. I guess in particular zen, but interpret it however you want.

I ask because I broke up with my girlfriend this week, and over the past few days my mind has just been reeling and I have realized several things. First of all, the relationship I had with her was itself largely a mind-concept. I had an image of her in my mind, I was not seeing her as she was but how I perceived her. The way I related myself to her was also more ego, just identity-concepts that I had formed. "I am ____'s boyfriend" was a thought, not a reality. It's the same as thinking you own a car or own a house it seems. Secondly, I've realized how attached to her I was (and am, though I'm moving on now). Not being with her made me miserable, and being with her made me happy, it was just a desire like any other. All ego and mind-concepts.

So I suppose I have to ask, can an enlightened person have a romantic relationship? How can you perceive all as one and yet distinguish someone else as separate from you and then be attracted to them? I can't comment on what love is as I'm not sure I know, but it seems to me that romance is natural to humans, why would it be something that impedes self-realization? Going to the bathroom, bathing, working, and other normal relationships with people all seem to be compatible with a non-discriminating mind. It's all about *how* you have the relationship with a friend, whether you make it about ego or not, whether you expect things from them, etc. It's about *how* you work, focused and in the present or frustrated and distracted. But with romance, it seems to me that in principle it must involve the ego, must involve discrimination and duality no matter how you do it.

What do you think? This might have been somewhat vague, but I hope you got the gist of it. Thanks!

Answer
Hi Nicolaas,

May I take it that you are the same Nicolaas?  The one who tends to make simple concepts very complicated, just like in this case.  Buddhism is for spiritual development.  Our daily lives are more concerned with mundane activities.  As an average ordinary mortal, we just need to strike a balance between spiritual development and worldly pursuits.  Of course you have a choice to concentrate on a more spiritual path, then you have to leave the shallow and sensual activities aside.   

Romance is by its very nature a matter of the heart.  You have rightly treated it as something more to do with perception and ego.  Once this ideal perception wanes, the essence of romance also disappears.  It is like perfume. This is life.  This is how the average normal person goes through life.  It is just a very natural process.  Problems emerge when the person is caught in the web of demanding and hoping that this type of romance lasts forever.  If we can go along with the flow of life, then losing this romantic touch is just part of growing up.

Buddhism has nothing to do with our silly daily activities.  Buddhism is to wake us up that if we want to advance in living life wisely, we need to realize that many things we do in our daily lives are not worth chasing.  The crux of Buddhist teachings is to reduce greed, hatred and mental delusion on life itself.

Take care, and have a happy day.

Justin Choo