Expert: Laurie McLauglin - 4/9/2011

Question
Forgive me if this is long. My life partner died three weeks ago. Niether one of us is a Buddhist although Ed did read a great deal about Eastern philosophies and religions. I cared for him for three months before his death from cancer. He died peacefully and was accepting of his fate. He experienced a near death experience when he was in his twenties and was not afraid. Ten days after his death I was asleep and dreaming about something mundane and unrelated to him. Suddenly he shouted at me and I awoke startled thinking he was still in the other room and I needed to tend to him in some way. I became more awake and realized what he shouted at me was not a word I recognized. At first I though it was a Latin word. Through many odd twists and turns I found that what he said was a Buddhist mantra. It was "Om Mani Padme". I did not hear the "Hum" to my memory. I was startled awake and maybe I did not hear the ending? I then went to the book store and I was attracted to "The Tibetan Book of Living And Dying" by Sogyal Rinpoche. In the chapter "Helping After Death" it was suggested that you pray for your loved one by opening with the same mantra that he shouted at me and then recite the Phowa. I guess my questions are what did he need me to do and why did he contact me with a Buddist mantra when he was not a Buddhist? This book was very difficult for me to comprehend without a teacher and I need a person who is educated to give me their thoughts on what happened that night. Thank you.  Pamela Williamsd

Answer
Hello Pamela -

Thank you so much for asking me this question about the death of your partner.  First let me say that I am so sorry to hear that he has died.

Although it is good to hear that he died peacefully.  A peaceful death is one of the most important things that helps one get a good rebirth, according to our tradition.

As to why Ed shouted out the mantra of Avalokitashvara (the Buddha of compassion) after he died, I cannot say, except that according to our teachings, he must have had some previous imprint with Buddhism.  In our belief nothing happens for no reason.  Things happen because they have causes and conditions that manifest them.

Buddhists believe that a person can be in the bardo or afterlife for 49 days - but one does not know how long a day is in the bardo. But traditionally we believe that the person will take a rebirth within 49 days of his death.

And what he wanted you to do in relation to his yelling the mantra at you, again I do not know as I am not him. And I do not know what caused him to reach out specifically on the 10th day. Perhaps he wanted you to know that he did have a past life connection to Avalokitashvara and Buddhism and that he knew from his past life that reciting this mantra for him would be of the most benefit to him.

So from my own simple practice thus far, I would suggest reciting the mantra yourself as much as possible and dedicate it to helping him get the best possible rebirth and you can.

The mantra Om Mani Padme Hum actually represents the entire Buddhist path in one phrase.  Loosely it means the compassion of my life and the wisdom of my life combine to make me whole and eventually become a Buddha - that is a really loose translation that I am basing on your particular situation.

Again, I am no expert in dying practices in Buddhism but what I can tell you is advice from the spiritual head of The Foundation for the Preservation of the Mahayana Tradition which is the Buddhist group I belong to.  It is a Tibetan Gelugpa Mahayana Tradition.  His name is Lama Zopa Rinpoche and he is very wise and VERY compassionate.  

Here is what he suggested when a practitioner of his died. I think this advise is especially important considering it was the mantra for the Buddha of Compassion that your partner shouted.

"In case you are worried or missing him, you should recollect that we all, those of us who are not free from samsara, have to die. Since we are born, we have to die, because we are under the control of delusion and karma until we are free from samsara. This is the nature of life. Even this whole earth, which looks so permanent to us, will become nonexistent. It decays, and then after some time will become non-existent. There will be space where the earth used to be. Nothing that is a causative phenomenon lasts. It changes and decays, not only from moment to moment, but even within each moment.

What will benefit him is if you perform positive actions in your daily life with a good heart, with the thought of benefiting others: with compassion and loving kindness. By living your life with this pure motivation and good heart, your actions become virtuous, even if you don’t perform any extra positive actions. From these virtuous actions, you collect merit, and you can dedicate those merits, offering them to him, for him to have a good rebirth. Dedicate them for him not only to achieve just temporal happiness, but most importantly for him to be freed as quickly as possible from samsara, from the cycle of birth and death, and to achieve enlightenment in the quickest way possible.

Remember him by performing more positive actions for others, such as giving generously to others and living in morality by abstaining from harming others and harming oneself. For his benefit, try to practice patience when somebody treats you badly, or insults you or shows disrespect toward you. If you at least manage not to get angry, that means you don’t harm others. Even when you practice patience or try to stop the thought of harming others when it comes, dedicate that to him If you can, think that this is also for the happiness and benefit of all sentient beings, who, like him, also want happiness and do not want suffering. Dedicate in this way however many positive actions you are able to perform each day. At least, when there is a danger of anger arising, stop that and practice patience or compassion. And when you start to have negative thoughts, which are harmful to others, like ill will, jealousy and so on, try to stop that and practice their antidotes.

On top of this, benefit others as much as possible, with a sincere heart, in your daily life. Whether it is a small or big help to others, this will make your own life of better quality. It will make your mind healthier, and that means having a healthier body and longer life, and you will have inner peace and happiness. However much more you are able to practice positive things, and perform good deeds, there will be that much less suffering for you when you pass away. There will be less of a problem or no problem, so you will have a happier death, a peaceful death, very pleasant and inspiring for others. You will give courage to other people to practice Dharma, meditate, and to do positive things, so you will have a very happy ending to your life."

Your partner's passing away is a reminder to us how precious our human lives are, and for us to practice harder and more purely.

Although I do not recommend you do the Powha as it is an advanced practice, Sogyal Rinpoche did suggest the following: Sogyal Rinpoche, says that for up to about twenty-one days after a person dies they are more connected to the previous life than to the next one. So for this period in particular the loved ones can be encouraged to continue their (silent) communication with the deceased person - to say their good-byes, finish any unfinished business, reassure the dead person, encourage them to let go of their old life and to move on to the next one. It can be reassuring even just to talk to the dead person and at some level to know that they are probably receiving your message. The mind of the deceased person at this stage can still be subtle and receptive.

I know this answer may not answer your question specifically but if you need further clarification or have any other questions about death, Sogyal Rinpoche's book, the mantra or Avalokitashvara, please don't hesitate to let me know.

In the mean time, I hope you find peace around this and peace in your life in general.

Namaste - Laurie