Expert: Justin Choo - 5/13/2011

Question
Hi,

I would think myself as a normal person with occasional outburst. But lately, my outbursts are getting more frequent and I sometimes say hurtful things to my loved ones/friends only to my much much regret later on. I'd feel so so guilty that I'll do small little acts of goodness and remind myself constantyl that I'll be more patient and compassionate. But somehow my anger will slowly build up and outburst'll happen again

I want to be a better person. I've tried meditation (on-off for about 1 year) but still can't seems to control my anger (outburst)

Like recently, I was so irritated at the traffic noise (which I can hear from my house unit which faces busy road) that I had to scream out loud and punch the pillow. The thing is I have been living with the traffic noise for 6-7 years. Although it affects me,I try hard to ignore it (eg by putting on music, switching tv louder etc). But occasionally (say once a year) the noise would be suddenly be so unbearable that I have to scream/curse motorists in my heart.

I think I may have slowly built up all these anger inside me and one day, it'll just set off suddenly. It dissapears and reappears - sometimes i will take it out on the pillow (I live alone) and sometimes i'll take it out on freinds/loved ones (no physical aggression, no shouting, only sarcastic/hurtful remarks). I don't like screaming/shouting

How can I not let anger fester and build into something I cant control? I desperately want to  be a better  person. I thought Meditation will help but it does not seem it is.

Answer
Hi MK,

<<"I would think myself as a normal person with occasional outburst.">>
Yes you are a normal person.  So am I.  I am as guilty as you.  What you wrote in a way reflects my character too! (LOL)

Once you realize the negative traits in you, half the battle is won.  The other half, of course is very dificult to change.  Please remember that we brought with us all the good and bad traits.  Some people are more fortunate than others.  We should not compare as we are also more fortunate than many others as well.  

I dare not advise you what to do, for I am no better.  The important approach is that you realize this problem.  Now you try to be more mindful not to repeat too often.  I would just share with you what I do each time I made a fool of myself.  I felt remorse, I realized my mistake, and then I resolved that I shall try not to repeat this mistake.  In short I have two "ingredients" here : realization and a commitmet in attitude change that I shall not repeat.  This is a life-time learning process, and hopefully in due course, I will become a better person.  Proper meditation will help.

Don't "punish" yourself too hard.  Use the mistakes as a life-time learning process; then you will improve in due course.  

Take care.

Justin Choo