Expert: Stuart Resnick - 6/22/2011

Question
I'll get right to the point - it just seems to me that zen is in direct opposition to everything human. I do not understand how we can function, as a society, without opinions and views and dualities and left and right and right and wrong. Society is based on the fact that we are all separate from each other, how can it function if it sees no distinction between things? How can we as a species survive if we don't distinguish between life and death? We would as soon choose death instead of life and then we would all die out because we wouldn't have the desire to live, being 'egoless'. How can one make friends and connect with others if one basically doesn't exist as an individual? What do you have conversations about if you have no opinions or interests or desires, how can you become close to another person if that 'person' has no ego, if you have no ego? How can we love each other if we don't view anyone as 'other'? We would neither love or hate, we would just see that person, that is it. No connection, no empathy, no understanding, no interest to learn about that other person. We wouldn't want anyone else to become a part of our lives as we would have no lives, we would just be alive, not really living.

If we are enlightened, doesn't that essentially turn us into vegetables? Peaceful, content vegetables but... well, how can we exist and mingle with others without opinions, without wanting to have fun and desiring things? What would you relate to people over, how would you talk to them if you have nothing to say...?

I guess maybe I should give you a bit of my personal story, then it might make more sense in the context. Long story short, I used to have very low self-esteem, I had trouble making friends, I could never seem to be happy, was always moody and hiding behind my wall, afraid to talk to anyone. I felt like I "had no life", that common teenage affliction (haha), I felt mostly worthless and I was afraid to try new things and I didn't want to get into anything new that I could bond with people through.

That was most of my early teenage years - then when I was about 14, I came across Buddhism, and it really spoke to me. The reason I was miserable wasn't because of anything about me, it wasn't because I was a loser with no life that nobody seemed to like or anything, I just couldn't accept myself. It wasn't anything external, it was my internal negative thinking that was making me moody all the time. So I began meditating, I tried to observe my thoughts during the day, catching myself thinking "god I'm an idiot" and making sure I saw that for just a thought... and it worked, it really did. I changed, I was less afraid, I could talk to people freely if I wanted to, I was no longer afraid to try new things, and I did try new things like music, I started helping out at many charities... but it seemed to come at a cost. I no longer really felt human, you see. Now I was no longer inhibited, didn't hide behind any walls and COULD speak freely to whoever I wanted to... but I didn't want to talk to anyone any more haha. If people spoke to me, I talked as long as necessary, answered any questions, did all the motions, but... I didn't really try to talk to them. I tried to "see them for who they really were", see them as a part of me in this moment, and in doing so I completely ignored all the labels they put on themselves. That made me more open, less judging, but it also made it impossible for me to really connect with anyone. I wasn't interested in who they were, what they did, what they enjoyed and disliked. I was passive, just observing... not acting, not interacting. I wasn't a person anymore, I wasn't an individual, but at the same time I was, how can I ever not be human? The two sides of me clashed, I wanted to have friends, I wanted to be someone with an identity, but at the same time I completely understood how that led to my earlier misery.

Basically I hadn't really changed at all. I wasn't inhibited, but I was just as quiet and un-talkative as ever. I wasn't afraid, but I seemed just as shy as ever. I wasn't afraid to try new things, but I didn't try anything anyway, didn't make any new friends, and I had just as little of a life as ever, no new hobbies, nothing. I didn't try to have fun anymore, didn't go out with friends to see movies or play video games or what have you, it all seemed to be like chasing wind, I knew I wouldn't find fulfillment like that. But then what? Essentially my life consisted of meditating, school, and eating. And it wasn't bad! I was happy, I was content, but... I don't know. Incomplete? It seems like I wasn't a fully functional person. I didn't want to suffer, so I stayed as present as I could, but at the same time just being there, just observing, almost dead... it seems wrong in some way.

As of now I am 17, and just as confused as ever about how life works... not that that will ever change I imagine, but I just feel like all these years now I've just been throwing a blanket over my ego, ignoring it instead of really seeing through it. It is hard to explain. I feel like I have only learned to forget myself, ignore myself, instead of truly love myself and have respect for who I am. Is there any way that oneness and duality can be compatible? I think that we cannot have one without the other, we cannot choose to see non-duality and ignore our own dual side, but at the same time just indulging in our desires and preferences is also not right. Is there no middle ground? What is the solution, how does one live one's life? Passively, just watching, or actively, interfering and hewing shapes into the uncut block with our opinions? We can't do both, and yet, we have to, don't we?

Thank you for hearing, I'm afraid this was long and winding and confusing, mostly I just really wanted to get it out on paper haha... if you have any insights at all they would be appreciated.

Cheers

Nicolaas

Answer
Thanks for your letter Nicholaas. It's wonderful that at a young age, you're looking into the Big Questions of life.

If you look at the letter you wrote, you'll see the word "I" many, many times. When you make and hold ideas of I/my/me, it creates suffering. So in Zen practice, we take a serious look at the question: What am I? If you really wonder about it, question it sincerely, one strong and clear thing will appear: Don't Know.

You write, "I feel like I have only learned to forget myself, ignore myself, instead of truly love myself and have respect for who I am." But what is this "self," what is this "I"? If you make I/my/me, all sorts of difficulties and complications appear. If find Don't Know, moment to moment is no problem.

"Is there any way that oneness and duality can be compatible?" There's no need to hold concepts like "oneness" and "duality." Just now, in this very moment: what do you see? what do you hear? what are you doing? Return to the truth that's already appeared right in front of you. There's no need to make lots of thinking about oneness or duality or whatever.

"What is the solution, how does one live one's life?" When you're hungry, eat. When you're tired, sleep. When you encounter someone who's suffering, help them. Moment to moment, clearly perceive the situation, and respond accordingly. Why make it more complicated than that?

If your mind is filled with thinking, with ideas and opinions, then there's no way you can even see what's right in front of you. But if you put it all down, and just keep a simple, clear mind in this moment, then you can connect with whoever's in front of you just now, and if they're suffering, try your best to help them. That's all.