Expert: Justin Choo - 8/2/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hi Justin,

I’ve previously written before and am very grateful for your help. The enquiry was regarding being on my own on this path and I think I am becoming more accepting of this. There is something else that is of some difficulty for me.  I take care of my elderly Mom here at home, who has become very dependent and possessive of me.  I have a full time employment and adding to this, her needs and desires, leave me with little space to breath sometimes. In the sense that I always feel her presence around me when I’m home, she has a clinging presence and has difficulty letting go of me. I know it must be fear and insecurity on her part and I understand this but it’s just that sometimes I get frustrated with the lack of freedom. It is a big responsibility being a primary care-giver. I often look for help with taking care of her, but she doesn’t want anyone else to do this. Anytime I speak of maybe going away for a weekend, she panics or becomes ill. She uses illness as a ruse, as she knows I always give in with my concerned and sympathetic nature. I know taking take of the elderly is a noble deed in Buddhism but is the frustration I feel sometimes, a sign of resistance to what is, therefore this is where my reflection should be. Or since I’ve always been sensitive to hurting anyone’s feeling, I always give in to her whims and wants, thus not being capable of affirming myself with her? She starts crying whenever I attempt explaining how all of this makes me feel, so I’ve stopped even trying.  Is it possible to clarify for me where compassion vs. avoidance of conflict, starts and ends in this situation? Thank-you.

ANSWER: Hi Linda,

My sympathies are with you.  I know how you are feeling.  I used to take care of my mother until she passed away.  But I had it easy.  I had someone doing the actual work, like washing her and feeding her.  

You must contemplate on your two salient points:

1. "I know it must be fear and insecurity on her part and I understand this but it’s just that sometimes I get frustrated with the lack of freedom."

2. "I know taking take(care?) of the elderly is a noble deed in Buddhism but is the frustration I feel sometimes, a sign of resistance to what is, therefore this is where my reflection should be."

Remember, you are just being human.  Do the best you can.  Your mother should not be complaining having such a loving and caring daughter.  My humble opinion is that you may consider these two methods:
1. Get the helper to be with you on occasions, so that your mother may get used to the person.
2. Then get away for half a day without telling your mother, leaving the other caregiver with her.

Over time maybe your mother may come to accept your "disappearance" for longer period!


<<Is it possible to clarify for me where compassion vs. avoidance of conflict, starts and ends in this situation?>>
There is no correct answer for this question.  You need to consider your circumstances, the length of time you have been taking care of her, and other things that you have not written here.

Hope this helps.

Take care.

Justin Choo

 

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you. I guess I am being too hard on myself. I’m seeing the frustration and the resentment for the restrictions of my freedom as weaknesses I needed to work on.  Maybe it is, but you making me remember that I am ‘just being human’ made me realize that maybe the help I need, is of the human kind.  It made me reflect on the ‘Middle Way’, not weighing on extremes but balancing things out.  
I’ve been taking care of my Mom for over 8 years now, ever since my Dad passed away, but it seems like I’ve always been taking care of her in some manner. As time goes along, it’s becoming more of a challenge. She’s a very anxious, nervous and fearful person. She anticipates and imagines always the worst, and her imaginings are sometimes very silly.  She fears this and that, she fears life as it is. I once thought of making it my mission to try to bring about a change that may let her accept all that life may bring her. I soon learned that I can’t make someone see who doesn’t want to see.  I know compassion may also be directed towards myself and this is something I have a hard time with. At times I feel like it borders on selfishness, probably a past conditioning because I’ve always been made to feel guilty by my Mom whenever I neglected her needs.  Anyway, thank-you, I may be on my way to finding some help and any thoughts will be welcomed.

Answer
Hi Linda,

Eight years is a long time for taking care of someone. I am assuming that "taking care" means your mom needs physical assistance in her daily chores.  You certainly need a break once in a while.  You have to be kind to yourself too.

In Buddhism, it is very difficult to give someone assurance, without pointing to a "savior" or "agent" who "have power to protect". Unless the person has knowledge and understands the Buddha's teachings, there is no way one can influence the mindset. That's why Christianity is such a helpful religion where one can just have faith to God and Jesus, and all problems solved!  

Take care.

Justin Choo