Expert: Alex Wilding - 9/5/2011

Question
I became a buddhist a few months ago and now I regret a few of my past misdeeds. One in particular (a very brief period of infidelity) I feel very guilty about. Should I confess the misdeed to my partner if they would be crushed by such an admission (they have no idea about it)? Or should I handle the guilt in a different way?

Answer
Hi Dominic,
It's nice to hear from someone in the West Midlands!
Your question has not really got a lot to do with Buddhism, except for the fact that the guiding principle for you, as a Buddhist, has to be compassion in the short and long term. You say that your partner would be crushed by the admission, so you have almost written your own answer. Unless there is something that I don't know, and that you haven't told me, then of course you should not confess to your partner, but should work on it in a different way.
There are things in Tibetan Buddhism like the "four powers", which are often spoken of, because we take it for granted that all of us have things in our past that we regret. Briefly, these are regretting what you have done (you seem to have got that far); resolving not to do it again (perhaps you have got that far too, though you may have to look deeply into your heart to be sure); putting it right as far as you can (easier in a case of, for example, a minor theft than in the case you describe where it is not really possible at all); and "purification" in other ways for the things that you can't put right, for instance by reciting purifying mantras, going for refuge and so on. The mantras, of course, don't work on their own! They are for dealing with the residues left in your mind after you've done the first three things! You can Google this to get more information, I'm sure.
All the best to you both
Alex W