Expert: Joe McSorley - 8/31/2006

Question
Dear Joe,

I would rather this be a private question but nevertheless I can't control that.

My question is as follows: I've been attracted to Zen in the past because of the way the masters seem to have peace and also because of its realistic viewpoint. I spent a lot of time recently contemplating the Absolute because I thought an understanding of the Absolute was supposed to bring about peace and bliss. My conclusions were that the Absolute is the eternal Consciousness that all things grow out of. It's within us as well as without us just like space. However, when I started contemplating this I started to feel a lot of anxiety and I thought this doesn't seem very peaceful to me at all. I suppose my question would be why does the contemplation of the Absolute leave me filled with dread and anxiety? Obviously I know it has to be because I'm attached to my current form but have you had this experience before?

Answer
Dear Jason,
  You ask a very important question here.  We mostly think of religious experience as wonderful, light, warm and fuzzy and all that but it ignores the lives of those who have undergone deep religious experiences.  St. John of the Cross speaks of the ‘Dark night of the soul’ while on his religious quest and Buddhists talk of the ‘devils playground’ and other imposing ideas in their search for awakening.  For many people, my self included, we go through a great amount of fear and despair on the path.  If you read the stories of many who’ve awakened they will talk of the pain, fear and anxiety they’ve gone through.  They talk about having a great anxiety and feeling that they were going to die at one point, being overcome by great darkness or any other form like this.
  I think the root of this anxiety lies in the fact that the one who is seeking, that’s you, is also the one that stops you from seeing.  Ultimately in this search you will come to realize that who you think you are and what you think in reality is false.  When this happens your foundation will crumble and great anxiety occurs but so also does the chance for great awakening.   One of my teachers tells the story of being in the philosopher Reinhold Ninebark’s class and at one point due to something that was said he realize that his entire premise of reality was wrong.  He said he put his head down on the desk unable to move.  The funny thing about this was I was driving him one day and we were talking at one point I had the same realization and my foundation crumbled heaving me into a deep despair.  I said nothing to him about it but drove along in silence. Years later we were talking about Niebhur and I said that the same thing happened to me.  He responded, “ I know, I was with you in the car and saw you enter it”.  It was from that moment on that I could begin to be open to a reality that was not based on any concept of my own but to see beyond this.
  I suggest you read about some of the lives of philosophers and religious people and you will see a thread here.  Some did not go through it but many did.
 Good luck to you and I hope this helps you.
                      Joe