Expert: Justin Choo - 8/27/2006

Question
My husband cheated on me, but he said that he made a mistake.  Although, we haven't really talked about it, because I am so hurt that I think I had a mental breakdown.  He doesn't talk much and has really never talked much.  I am hurting inside, but I love him.  I don't want to be with someone that betrayed me.  How do I get through this?  I do have faith in God and I pray a lot.  What do you think?

Answer
Hi Linda,

First, I have to remind you that this is a Buddhist site, which means my views will be reflective of the Buddhist thoughts.  Secondly, I wish to say that I am not a qualified counsellor.  This will be my personal comments based on my little experience in life.

"My husband cheated on me, but he said that he made a mistake."
Did he confess first before you found out?  If this is so, then I would think he felt guilty and remorse and would like to be forgiven.   If you were the one who found out, then it's another matter.


"Although, we haven't really talked about it, because I am so hurt that I think I had a mental breakdown.  He doesn't talk much and has really never talked much."
You don't talk because you are preoccupied with the thought of being cheated by the one you loved dearly.  He doesn't talk, most probably because of his guilt and fear of hurting you further.  This is a viscious cycle.

 
"I am hurting inside, but I love him.  I don't want to be with someone that betrayed me."
You have to make up your mind before you can resolve this predicament.  If you don't want to live with one who had betrayed you, and can never forgive him, then that's the end of the story.  But if you still love him, then you have to give him a chance to repent. There is no two ways about it. You cannot hate him and not forgive him, and yet desire to be with him. You will never be happy with this state of mind.

Assuming you really want to be with him, then you must give him another chance.  It is not easy to forgive.  But you can just let go of the thought of his hurting you.  This is the Buddhist way:  to let go when the thought comes.  After a while, the hurt will begin to subside because you are not allowing the recurrent thought to torture your mind and ruin your life.  You have to replace this cancerous thought of hate and unforgiveness with thoughts of magnanimity and acceptance of what had already happened.  

" I do have faith in God and I pray a lot. "
If you are a Christian, and you have faith in God, then by all means ask for his strength to support you and lead you to the right path.  But I think the most important step you have got to take is to decide for yourself which way you want to go.

Hope my few comments can be of some help and consolation.

Regards.