Expert: Bodhicitta - 5/19/2005

Question
I am a 53 year old man, living in Hobart, Tasmania, Australia. I attended a Quaker school, had kind and gentle parents and have been interested in Buddhism for more than thirty years.
About 18 months ago I escaped from a marriage to a very dysfunctional person. I now understand that she was probably suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and/or Borderline Personality Disorder. I had never heard of such afflictions before. They cause the person to be angry, aggressive, hostile and destructive. However, I believe after all the reading I've done on the subject that they DO know what they're doing and that what they're doing is wrong.
I don't want to hate her. I know such feelings will only hurt me. The hard thing is to know how to deal with the feelings when you know that that person has set out deliberately to destroy you. I do have compassion for her. I know that she was badly abused as a child and that this is often the cause of such behaviour. I just feel sad because up until this experience I had always believed that everybody was fundamentally good. Now, I feel that I've had to learn a very hard truth: that some people are evil. This is not a word or a concept I'm comfortable with but I cannot deny my awareness now that I've developed it.
Do you have any advice, suggestions or other ways of interpreting such an experience? I have looked hard into my own heart to try to understand how I could have become 'attached' to such a person and to understand my own behaviour. I have learned that I was probably 'selected' for this treatment precisely because I am a kind, loving and gentle person. It is hard to believe that I was chosen for destruction as a result of being a 'good' person....
            Best Wishes, Paul Clemens

Answer
Hello Paul Clemens
Thank you for your heart felt question.

As someone with an interest in  Buddhism I assume you have explored the practice of Buddhism, meditation and the view? It is totally necessary to have a daily meditation practice in order to work with Buddhism - without this
it is really just words. If you haven't connected with practice I would strongly recommend you do this.

Buddhism is all about direct experience and it is only
possible to understand Buddhism through understanding ones own direct experience. Meditation is the key, in the words of one respected teacher meditation is the only thing that the Buddha taught!

So if you do not have a regular practice of meditation I would recommend you take time to search teachers out that you can meet - presumably  in australia and seek to receive
meditation instruction from.

This can take time as you do need to find a teacher you have a rapport with . so take your time, months and or years if necessary and then when
the chemistry is right and your heart tells you this teacher feels right for you practice in a whole hearted way!

Through meditation and the instructions
on the outlook of meditation - called the View you
will start to work with your every day life experiences and look on yoru life with new wisdom. Don't expect instant results but be patient and take your time and it
will open your heart and allow you to put the difficult
circumstances of your life into the context of the wisdom and compassion of your heart.

In terms of your specific question. I can give you a hint
as to what Buddhist teacher would say. The world we experience really depends on our own minds. The people we
meet and connect with - depend on our own minds and heart.

The world is the world of Karmic Vision. So we choose
precisely the world we enter and the people we meet. So think that through meditation and exploring your own heart
the world you enter, the experiences you have, the way you perceive the people you meet will be transformed into the
Buddha pure land.

In Buddhism it is said that one man experiences rivers as being of molton iron, and the wind being full of sulpherous fumes another hears the birds singing and sees beautiful pools of waters and jewels. If you want to experience the world as it truly is explore your heart.

If those around us are aggressive, ignorant and desire only selfish ends then have compassion for them. In extreme
circumstances like the one you describe.You must be kind to yourself though.

I suspect that in such an extreme situation.  The only thing you can do is to make good wishes that in the future that
person will encounter the dharma and a better situation where they can work through their problems. Think as far
as it is possible good thoughts for the person.

Over past lives we have all been in good situation and bad situations. Every being has been your mother, every being has murdered, died, been your son and daughter. Have compassion for all beings who are on the ocean of confusion.

For now though find yourself a good situation to live in and practice meditation and open your heart.Wisdom is
to know that we must first work on ourselves  maybe for many lifetimes before we can help people in very extreme situations.

My heart felt best wishes for your path and good health and life
Bodhicitta