Expert: Joe McSorley - 2/18/2004

Question
For the past few years I've felt disconnected or disintegrated as a person. I talk and yet don't feel like I'm talking, I react yet don't feel I'm reacting, I feel at times as if I'm watching someone else. I get depressed about this and sometimes feel like I was born fundamentally defective. Any advice? any at all will be greatly appreciated.  

Answer
Dear Marcus,
There can be many reasons for this from clinical depression to an existential plight.  As far as feeling like you were born fundamentally defective isn't that the point of myths like original sin, that there is something fundamentally wrong with our existence?  In Buddhism the First Noble Truth is ‘life is suffering'.  It's not that human existence is fundamentally good and we should see it but that life, for humans, is fundamentally problematic.  Realizing this would be considered a personal existential dilemma.  Existential meaning that as a fact of your existence this is a reality.  If you are clinically depressed then you have another situation here and it needs to be treated.  On the existential side you realize that there is this ‘self' that stands behind what you are doing and feeling, somehow connected and at the same time disconnected. The question is what is it that separates you from you?  In my teacher's words ‘ we know that we are but do not know who we are'.  His other example is that we cast a shadow but don't know who it is that casts the shadow.  So this is not an uncommon experience that you are having.  I would suggest that you read some of Krishnamurti's books of which there are several.  One is “Freedom From the Known”.  You can find them in any decent bookstore.  See if they help shed some light on your dilemma and then write back to me.
  I hope this helps you, take care,
              Joe