Expert: Joe McSorley - 6/15/2006

Question
This question may be a little off topic for you, but I rather seek the wisdom of someone knowledgeable in the buddha culture rather than anyone else.

My question is this, and I hope it doesn't sound too juvenile.

My friend, Sam (Samantha) is a very strong headed, uptight kind of girl. She is strong minded and rude lots of the time. This girl is a part of my "group of friends" I've had for over a year now.

She took me out about a month ago explaining to me that our friends were getting annoyed with me because I do not tip waitresses enough money when we all go out for dinner. I thought that was very rude.. especially when I found out that this was HER thinking, and didn't come from the other friends.  Secondly, she had a time share to use last last weekend and brought our entire group of friends out (this is the 3rd time she hasn't invited me anywhere), and told all my best friends to never tell me that they all went.

Now I receive an email from her saying it's her birthday (a forward to ALL our group of friends, including me this time) saying that she would love to meet up with all of us and for her bday.

I have lost almost all respect for this individual and I do not know how to proceed without hurting anyone, especially myself. I've been hurt enough by this individual, and I am not fond of her at all.

Any help is much appreciated.

Thank you for your time,

Richelle

Answer
Hi Richelle,

You’re right, this question is out of the norm for me.  I will answer it from my personal perspective and not as a representative of Zen.  Here my age and experience might count for something.
  The whole idea of ‘hurt’ here is the central issue.  You’ve clearly been hurt, which is fully understandable, and you don’t want to hurt others which shows compassion.  It seems Sam wants you around when there is something to be gained from it, a present, and not around when there is nothing to be gained from it.  Clearly she doesn’t like you and now you don’t like her and perhaps never did.  It’s very personal to you but I don’t think it has to be.  We, as humans, judge everything in relationship to ourselves and see it as either good or bad when if fact, it is neither.  If you don’t like roses should the roses be hurt about it?  Hey, we’re beautiful roses and you prefer daisies, what’s wrong with us?  What’s wrong with you?  Well, nothing actually but when we are around humans we don’t prefer it’s personal but it doesn’t have to be.  So Sam doesn’t appear to like you, she might be threatened by you or intimidated by you or whatever psychological you can name but it doesn’t matter.  It’s okay that she doesn’t like you no matter what her reasoning.  I think the core of the problem is the way she handles it.  Not very mature and thoughtful, not compassionate, she doesn’t face the issue and just excludes you.  I am sure it must bother you that your other friends aren’t doing anything about it either, not that they can do too much.  Let Sam be who she is and do what you want.  You might tell her you understand that she doesn’t really like you and that’s ok but the problem with this is she might not admit it and deny it.  Why would you ever have that thought?….well Sam, it’s your actions that reveal it.  This can turn into a real mess because most people just aren’t that honest about themselves.  Just accept you have roses and daisies and live with it.  Let her be who she is and remove yourself from the pain. Realize that Sam doesn’t know how to handle it either which is why she manipulates things.  Why be around that anyway, it can’t turn out good.  It’s okay not to be liked by some people and it’s okay not to like some people, it’s just life.  Do you go around all the time ruminating on how you don’t like lima beans and would rather have peas?  Don’t ruminate on this, it’s just what it is, start hanging around with peas instead.
  I hope this has helped you.  Take care,
            Joe