Expert: Justin Choo - 6/15/2005

Question
Hello Justin. Thank you for your answer to my question. I just have one comment. It seems the more I look around and the more I apply the teachings of the buddha to everyday life, the more the "truth" of this cyclic existence becomes clear to me.  Much like realizing the silly cycle that we in the west pursue relationships with, I am amazed just how much more clearly I can see the world now.  For experienced older buddhists such as yourself it must be obvious, but for me it is all brand new.  I am simply amazed it all.  Thanks for being patient with me.



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Followup To
Question -
hello again Justin, I hope you are happy and healthy, I am back for another question.  I have noticed that many people (myself included) are stuck in what I like to call a "dating cycle". We meet someone, get really excited, date them for a few months, find something wrong with them, get disappointed and look for someone else.  I am getting really sick of this search for the perfect person to spend time with and I feel that perhaps I dont need to seek out marriage. Im not limiting myself from anything if it happens it happens, but Im quite happy on my own not being stuck in this cycle. I was wondering though, do monks and nuns find it hard to live without relationships. I understand that monks and nuns cannot even touch, does it not get really lonely for them? Looking forward to your answer.
Answer -
Hi Greg,

It was a looong wait to hit Bull's Eye!  You have hit a 10!  This is your 10th visit.  Congratulations!  But no reward.

I thought you have understood the Buddha's teachings very well, but....well...?

Isn't your dating adventures, a very typical western "cultural  experience"? As you said, you people expect this merry-go-round dating cycle.  And that's what you will get.  Let's take an example.  Suppose you are looking for perfect house.  You can even list down all the requirements for this perfect house.  Say you are lucky enough to find such a perfect house.  You buy it.  After awhile many things can go wrong:-

1. the roof leeks
2. cracks appear on the walls
3. you suddenly find that the house is facing the wrong side
4. the neighbours are funny
5. the bathroom isn't the size that you imagined
6. the garage door isn't opening properly
7. the kitchen layout seems to be different from what you first saw
8. apart from all other things, you have changed your mind as to what a perfect house ought to be; for sure this is definitely not the perfect house that you wanted!
9. so you go look for another house
10. Bull's eye!

Greg, I am sure you are wise by now after learning about the Buddha's teachings that you CANNOT find the perfect partner simply because of the truths of "Anicca and Dukkha".  "Impermanence and unsatisfactoriness".  Even if you can find the perfect partner now, after awhile the perfection will show its flaws.  We must be wised up that to search for perfection is to seek death, for even when you going to die you will never find perfection.  Sorry to be so harsh.  But I can guarantee you perfect happiness if you are willing to experiment with your life.  Make your eyes blind, deafen your ears, and make yourself dumb.  Then go take a partner.  Your partner will be the perfect one!

Your dating problem is a relationship problem.  This is a very serious problem especially in western societies.  The belief in personal freedom and independence has a self destructive force when two parties come in union.  Each person has the preconceived idea that he/she can do anything he/she wants, and the other party must respect his/her privacy and independence.  How can a marriage or relationship work when the two parties have such selfish and uncompromising attitudes?  It is like trying to mix oil with water!  Relationship can only work when the two parties have a compromising, understanding, and caring dispositions.  I am beginning to sound like a "marriage counsellor"!  

Now coming back to monks and nuns.  Of course one will have a thorough understanding of the Buddha's teachings to want to become a monk or nun.  This is the spiritual path.  What you are feeling is the worldly or carnal experience.  The two do not mix.  That is why in Buddhism, if one really wants to seek real truth and peace, one has to decide to "leave" this "terrible" world of sense desires which leads to sorrow and death.

If a person likes fishing, do you think he feels lonely when he fishes alone?  Of course being a monk or nun is not as easy as going fishing.  It takes great self- discipline and commitment to be in the spiritual path.

Smile from justinchoo :-)


Answer
Hi Greg,

The fool is always blind
That's why the Buddha is the All-seeing One
When we SEE with our mind,  
This world perfection is none.

The Buddha can only teach
We have to play our part
To put into practice
And feel real peace in our hearts.

The Buddha's teachings are like air
The universal truths
For each and everyone to share
They are free and everywhere.

For those who choose not to breathe
The Buddha's air
Let it be, let it be
Then die in despair!

If you think you care
Then take command
To proclaim and share
The Dhamma with everyone!

Smile From Justinchoo :-)