About Jigme Expertise A lifelong Buddhist, I spent my early adult years in Asia where my study of Buddhism progressed. While I approach the subject from a syncretic perspective, seeking to understand its historical, cultural, philosophical and practical elements, I recognize Buddhism as a deeply personal practice. It is an extremely individualistic tool for investigating the nature of self and aimed at removing self-imposed emotional and conceptual barriers to a clear perception of reality.
Question Hi! My question regards Buddhist beliefs on romantic love and desire. In a way, this feeling seems like the suffering of change. Is this the case? If I have strong feelings of romantic love for someone, based on admiration and respect, is this a healthy way to feel for a Buddhist? It feels like a noble emotion, but it can also be consuming, distracting, and like an emotional roller coaster ride. How do Buddhists view this kind of desire?
Answer Dear Chris,
You ask: "If I have strong feelings of romantic love for someone, based on admiration and respect, is this a healthy way to feel for a Buddhist?"
First of all, it is a good thing that you understand the nature of romantic love (or any other "type" of love) as an emotion. In fact, Buddhists have nothing against emotions. As realists Buddhists understand that emotions naturally arise within the human mindstream. Like all that arises within the mindstream and all things that arise in general, they are ephemeral things that arise, have their moment and pass. When the ephemeral nature of phenomena is recognized and accepted, no harm can come from them.
For example, the feeling of anger arises in a flash. The non-Buddhist dwells on it, intensifying the feeling, turning it to deep-seated pervasive loathing. Likewise, a feeling of fear is turned into habitual cowardice, aversion, panic or phobia. The emotion becomes a state, a habitual pattern of experience, thought and action. In Buddhism, this is called proliferation. It results from the human psychological need to cling. Clinging is analysed in Buddhism as the root source of psychological suffering.
The opposite extreme is to suppress the feeling, which only causes it to "go underground" and erupt unexpectedly at an inopportune time.
By contrast, the Buddhist practitioner quietly notices the arising of the feeling, allows it its moment and watches it pass. By not acting to intensify or suppress it, he can appreciate the feeling for what it is and not exasurbate an emotion into potentially dangerous and excessive states.
Likewise, there is nothing wrong with love and one may indeed experience it for what it is and thus fully enjoy it without the excess baggage that comes from clinging and pushing away, attraction and aversion.
You note: "It feels like a noble emotion, but it can also be consuming, distracting, and like an emotional roller coaster ride." This is quite to the point.
Buddhists do not disparage people from experiencing their desires. They recognize that desire is merely part of being human. They simply advise two approaches in dealing with desire. First, be aware of them when they arise. However you react to them, be aware that you are doing so. Second, appreciate them for what they are without assigning them too much importance.
This is actually easier than it sounds. For example, I may bring flowers home to my wife to acknoledge my commitment to her and to express the romantic feelings I have for her. However, I also recognize that my romantic love is of much lesser importance in the broad scheme of things than the other aspects of our relationship, including my commitment to her welfare and the welfare of our children. It's simply a matter of perspective.
A common misnomer is that desire is disparaged in Buddhism. In fact, there is a sutra which states that the desire for emancipation (awakening) is worthwhile cultivating even though the goal of Buddhism is the cessation of desire. It may appear self-contradictory that desire would be used as a tool to accomplish the cessation of desire, but it is simply a realistic technique. The fact is that humans are indeed subject to desire (otherwise they would not be human. We need simply acknowledge this and then we can move forward.
In relationships, romantic desire can be channeled in constructive ways. I have noticed that romantic desire often becomes proliferated into a sort of competitiveness in which each partner ends up keeping score on whose ahead and whose behind, whos got the upper hand and how many favors one owes the other. It becomes a win-lose game and eventually deteriorates into a lose-lose game that often ends up in divorce with the children paying the emotional and psychological price. How can this be channeled in constructive ways?
Instead of asking what your marital partner can do for you, each partner can ask what they themselves can do for the other. When each person is motivated to do kind things for the other rather than make demands on the other, the marriage thrives. In this, I speak from experience. In my 22 years of marriage, I have found that strife results from one partner making excessive demands on the other whereas happiness results from honoring one another.
Buddhists are not only practical but they believe in accepting responsibility for one's own actions. By marrying someone, you have made their welfare your concern and responsibility. It is part of the Buddhist path to care for that person, both emotionally and financially. It is this practice of honoring and caring for others that is "noble", not the emotion of love in itself. All the love in the world cannot be noble if you fail to respond to it in a positive and uplifiting manner.
Love (romantic or otherwise) is good but it is insufficient. Caring is what actually matters. You will find that a little less clinging and a little more giving make the relationship better for both partners.
