Expert: Joe McSorley - 3/3/2004

Question
Dear Joe,

Your answers have helped me a lot in the past.  I am writing again about something that may seem unrelated to Buddhism, but I think that the Buddhist ideas are...so valid (an understatement) that right understanding of them should provide an answer or approach to handling anything.

Now the situation is that I am teaching eighth graders at an inner city school.  I am a first year lateral entry teacher, which means I am way over my head and was unprepared for what I am facing.  I am teaching math, which is difficult to teach at middle-school level because the teacher has to have an arsenal of games, activities, worksheets, etc., with which to engage the students.  I did not have this. I tried to have them take notes and do problems from out of the book.  The students talked and played. The administration wanted me to change my personality and yell at them, and I tried (!) but realized I can't change my personality.

I have gotten a lot better at planning and structuring, etc., but the students won't stop talking and playing.  A few listen to me and try to learn.  I try to treat all with consideration and treat them as I would wish to be treated. I try to gently redirect them.  I don't berate them, I don't lecture them, I don't "write them up", I  don't call administraition, I have stopped calling parents.

A lot of these children come from situations where they are raising themselves and doing "adult" things.  To them, they already know everything they need to know.  They are not interested in anything I have to say.  The administration is now all over me and is about to dismiss me.   I have been blamed for the student behavior.  Just to give some relativity, many other teachers I have spoken with state they are being blamed also.  I have been yelled at and believe they really just want me gone.

So, today I started crying when the class wouldn't settle down and I told administration I felt bad and went home early.  I have cried at school before, but now it's starting to get to me.  I feel so stressed out.  I am not even sure if I will go back tomorrow.

So, any help gratefully received,

Jill  

Answer
ear Jill,
 Your heartfelt letter and honesty touch me.  I completely understand where you are coming from here.  Welcome to the ‘real' world of cause and effect where ideals and good intentions are straw dogs in the wind.  Forgive me if I sound callous but I have spent many years on the streets having grown up in Philly and having my idealism tempered into a new realization.   Let me first tell you what will seem to be an unrelated story about my cat.  I had a beautiful, sweet little tuxedo cat that was wonderful and intelligent.  Everyone thought he was a kitten because he only weighed 6 lbs and was petite, even at the old age of nineteen when he died.  His name was Miso.  In my old neighborhood there was an alley cat named Brownie who was owned by two abusive alcoholic brothers and this cat was tough as nails.  He lived outdoors and was fierce and weighed about 9lbs.  Miso was afraid of this cat and would do his best to avoid him for he'd attack in a second.  So here was my sweet little cat terrorized by the neighborhood bully.  This is nature where the strong rule and the weak fall, the alpha male wins.  One day while I was splitting wood in my back yard Miso was standing in my back porch watching me.  He did not know that Brownie was asleep on the step under him.  Miso ran out to see me but stepped on Brownie waking him up and sending him into a fury.  Brownie swatted Miso several times in the face and arched back.  Now the epiphany; Brownie was declawed and Miso never knew it.  I watched at Miso stood there looking at Brownie and I could see his brain calculating.  He then extended a paw out and Brownie swatted again.  Now Miso knew there were no claws.  If a cat could smile he would have.  It became like a cartoon.  Miso arched his back, extended his front leg, popped out his claws like Bruce Lee and then tore Brownie to hell.  He terrorized Brownie from that day onward.  My sweet little guy became a nightmare and a bully for that cat.  Why did this happen?   Easy, because he could do it; it's Nature.
  Now you are in the same situation.  You are with a group of kids who were raised like Brownie.  They are conditioned to react and to respect through a certain way.  It's how they do it and how they learned it.  The way you were raised is to respect and obey authority, it was imposed on you but not earned by the authority.  On the street you earn it, it is not granted to you.  They only give respect and empower those who face them down.  Your kindness, consideration and gentleness are not part of the code and are in fact weaknesses.  They weren't raised this way and they don't know what to do with weakness but to walk all over it.  Now this should teach you the merit of the phrase; “walk gently and carry a big stick'.  You have no stick.  You are right it's not you to yell.  You yelling is a paper tiger and they know it.  If you want to stay where you are then you have to become a tiger.  You can't give them an inch, not ONE inch.  You clamp down, hard, fast and ironclad.  Kick butt and take names and then you will earn their respect.  This sounds harsh but it's the code of the streets.  You cried and showed weakness now you have to turn it around or get out.  Your Pollyanna, Casper white bread sensibilities don't work here and won't work here.  When you have gained their respect then you can add some gentility to the equation.  It's not right or wrong, it's just how it is. If those kids acted like you do at their homes or on the street they'd be crushed, they have to be the way they are to survive.  If you want to survive you meet them at their level.
  If you weather this you will be prepared for almost anything in life so it's a great opportunity for you.  If you think it's not your nature then realize this; if you were raised in that environment it would be your nature so take control of your nature.  Discipline, regiment and unswerving accountability have to be meted out to these kids.  A friend of mine is one of the top Philly school cops and he has a line he says to the kids that I love;
‘If you come as an adult I will meet you as an adult with all it's ferocity so you'd better come as a child”.  They want to act like adults, no problem, bring hells hammers down on them; they will straighten up or leave.
  It is a harsh awakening when you deal with these situations.  I know this first hand.  When your idealism is stomped by life it makes you step back and wonder.  The trick is to become iron on the outside while keeping cotton in the inside.
    You can email me directly if you want; joemcsorley@aol.com.
    I hope this helps you.  Take care and get tough,
                Joe