Expert: Bodhicitta - 11/14/2004

Question
Over the past 4 years I have contributed greatly to my sister's home. She is an unwed single mother of 4 children and 35 years old. My issue is that I have tried to help her to get back on her feet but my generosity has not helped at all. The issues with her are (a) She has a drinking problem and (b) she refuses to learn to budget her resourses. 4 years ago I bailed her out financially by paying off her debts and  paying for her to relocate to the area in which I live. Lately we have had some arguments about how she is parenting her children and managing her finances. These arguments have led to a breakdown in communication between us. I cannot seem to justify further support, if I wanted to throw my resourses away I do not need a intermediary helper. Is it wrong of me to do this about face, in terms of helping her? In some respect I feel that I am violating the Buddhist doctrines on generosity, in another respect I am holding onto the notion 'if one cannot or chooses not to help than at least not to harm.' Is there any guidance you can offer on this situation? Thanks much in advance.  

Answer
hi frank
difficult for me to comment on this situation without knowing you and your situation intimately. you need
to use your judgement frank give it your best shot.
but i can make some general comments made by teachers
around this area which may help..
.

1. The buddhist path for most of us is about training ourselves to have the wisdom to see through confusion. the method is meditation. so meditate and train yourself
with a qualified meditation teacher to help you. we cant
understand our own minds and out own situations with any clarity - so how can we judge or help others?

2. dana paramita. is about openning up to situations.
so its not only giving goods it being open enough to
situations you cant change.
3. when giving goods give wisely. you need to decide how giving will help
to develop your own training. so making positive connections is what its about.maybe give to dharma.
give to strangers. give to the needy. give to family.
experiment with these different approaches and see how
it feels.
4. giving to some one and harming them through giving
would never be wise.but only you can make your best judgement when this applies.giving and harming yourself
is not good either.you are valuable you are training in
dharma and have great potential to help others if you
continue on this path.
5. the emphasis is always on training yourself to be wise.
to prepare yourself to connect to the wisdom in your heart
so sometime maybe a very long time in the future you will
be able to help others spontaneously through the wisdom of
your heart mind.


the keynote is to train yourself to be wise and open.
not to judge others but realize everyone including you
are very confused according to buddhist philosophy.
meditate and train yourself. have great humility
and see all appearances as Maya


Bodhicitta