Expert: Justin Choo - 9/7/2006

Question
Good Day:
I am fairly new to buddhism but believe my answers lie there..my question is how to forgive a spouse who has had an affair: getting past the hurt. The desire to forgive is there...it's how to stop the hurt. I understand there are things I have done wrong...and this has probably contributed...I know all these actions are empty..but the effects are there.
Thank you for your time
Rick

Answer
Hi Rick,

I appreciate your sharing of your experiences.  It's said that half the problem is solved once a person shares it with someone!  Hope this is the case.  The following comments will hopefully solve the other half, and you will be a happy man again!

It is not easy to forgive.  I know because I also face the same problem.  But you can just let go of the thought of being hurt.  This is the Buddhist way:  to let go when the thought comes.  After a while, the hurt will begin to subside because you are not allowing the recurrent thought to torture your mind and ruin your life.  You have to replace this cancerous thought of hate and not forgiving, with thoughts of magnanimity and acceptance of what had already happened.  

You have done whatever that needs to be done...that's all. Now you get on with your life. When we start living life in this positive manner, we will have inner peace. Let nature, kamma, or whatever, takes its course. The Buddha reminded us that if we follow the Dhamma, his teachings, the Dhamma protects us. This is the type of confidence that a wise Buddhist will have. Given time, we will find that we can genuinely forgive those who had hurt us. Then we will have complete peace in ourselves.


It's just like having a wound.  Even when the wound is healed, the scar remains.  But once we accept the scar as an inevitable result of the wound which had already healed, then we accept the scar as part of our appearance.  If we are lucky the scar will disappear in time.  If not, we still carry on with our lives as normal because we have already accepted the scar as part of our lives.

Hope you feel better now.  Please come back if need be.

Smile from justinchoo :-)