Expert: Justin Choo - 12/7/2006

Question
Then what you are saying is to discipline myself to where my goal is moderation not abstanence..

During the holidays i get so emotional that i cant concentrate and my meditation is so poor. the sound of a clock is all it takes to take my concentration away.. Sometimes i just lay on the floor in the fetal position and either cry or just lay there until i can get up..
i am alone.recently retired. no family or friends.. is there anything i can do before christmas comes to prepare and not go thru this again.. it was brutal.. i think i should be at peace weather i am alone or with others.. but now. i find myself alone. and not being able to be at peace with it makes me feel like i am failing..
thank you for your help.
f.
 
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
Ok. I will re-phrase.
Why when i do things that make me feel happy.. Like. eating, drinking, sex, buying something, going somewhere.
While im doing these things i feel happy when im doing them.          so
why am i not happier if i eat more. or have sex more.
if i disipline my eating, my sexual behavior, and all the other things that make me feel happy while i am doing them. it makes me happier in the long run.. to me it doesent make sense,, but it seems to be what i am learning.

common sense would dictate if i eat more. stay in tuned with sensual desires and things that make me feel happy that i would be real happy..and. if theres a god. he will bear witness ive tired..
but i have found that they only make me feel enslaved too, or in someway punished by over excess.. what is is about the mind that it seems to turn on me if i try to make it ultra happy by trying to satisfy its cravings..  It seems its not really a good friend to me?
can anyone understand this.. i have been addicted to so many different things and it seems somwhow im addicted to being addicted.. is there a perminant way out of this circle. and what do you use to fill the craving.. is there someone to talk to when it gets bad and you feel you just cant take it anymore. is there a way to contact someone to talk with for a few minutes to help? i feel like i get to points where i brake down and thats my addiction now.


-----Answer-----
Hi Frank,

You have actually answered your own question.  Your relevent answer is quoted here:

"but i have found that they only make me feel enslaved too, or in someway punished by over excess.. what is is about the mind that it seems to turn on me if i try to make it ultra happy by trying to satisfy its cravings..  It seems its not really a good friend to me?"

This is the message that the Buddha was pointing to us.  We are slaves of our sensual cravings.  Our minds lead us to seek gratifications to "satisfy" our sensual cravings.  As you already knew, we can never be fully satisfied with  our cravings.  The minute we are satisfied with them, next moment we will seek to repeat them. Such is the true nature of our minds.  Once we understand this craziness in our minds we will take steps to check this "madness".  As sensual beings we can't help being sensual.  It is our nature to be sensual.  The most important decision to make is to be aware of this danger of over indulgence, or as you put it, "addiction".  The first step is to take it "easy".  Remember to take things easy and do things in a moderate way.  It is natural to satisfy our sensual cravings.  But be careful not to be "addicted" to them.  This calls for training to be disciplined and be mindful.  You can always talk to those whom you trust.  I am sure they will listen and give a helping hand.

Hope my comments are of help to you.

Regards, justinchoo.

Answer
Hi Frank,

I know exactly how you feel because I have been through peiods of loneliness.  I would say it is a kind of self- inflicted mental trauma.  Since you are retired, I would assume that time is on your side.  Try to do the things that you enjoy doing.  Forget about meditation, especially when you are feeling lonely.  Your priority is to solve your feeling of loneliness.  When you are having this state of mind, meditation is not going to help.  It will definitely aggravate your problem.  I don't know where you are and your financial standing.  Before I go any further, please remember that I am not qualified as a counsellor.  What I am doing here is to share my thoughts and suggestions which I hope may be of some consolations and help to you.  If I were you, I would take a long holiday.  Go to places where you are interested in.  Indulge in some hobbies.  Join some social clubs especially charitable organizations, where you can contribute to make others happy.  You will find that the more you spend your time helping others or at least keeping yourself busy doing something, the less lonely you will feel.  When you are back to your happy self again, then you can come back to spiritual development.  There is plenty of time, Frank.  Please take it easy and relax.  Then you will experience a state of calm and assurance.

Have peace.  You are always welcome to this site if need be.

Smile from justinchoo :-)