Expert: Justin Choo - 11/30/2007

Question
Dear Justin,
I'm a new Buddhist, of only 10 months, although I have pacticed different kinds of meditation for many years.  I realized a few weeks ago that I was being very critical and judgmental of another religion, and I didn't even realize it.  Of course, I'm glad I did realize it at last, but the fact that I could say things and not realize what they were, frightened me.  I was devastated and have been unable to let go of my ego, and return to my group. I'm also  finding meditation very difficult, lately, even though I try to do some every day, along with the Red Tara Pactice, which I do every day. My lama is on a three year retreat, and my experienced Spiritual Friend is away for a few weeks, so I thought I would run this by you. I guess I should add, that all this is complicated by chronic debilitating illnesses which affect my endurance and ability to do things.
Thanks for any ideas you might have. Peace.

Answer
Hi Terry,

It is very natural that one makes mistakes.  If one is so perfect, then one need not practise Buddhism anymore.  He would be an enlightened one.  If you realize you had made a mistake, then half the problem is solved.  This realization is in itself a lesson learned.  It is already an improvement in character building.  Your only "problem" now is your inability to accept what had already occurred and to let go and not to harp on it.  You are allowing your mind to dwell on that past mistake.  That's why you are having trouble with your meditation.  

I would suggest you do two things.  You should return to your group and share your thoughts.  The second thing is that each time the thought recur, just note it and tell your mind "it's over now; I have made amends; finish, period." (or something like that)  Keep on repeating this statement each time the thought recurs.  Your mind will gradually relent and over time you will be your happy self again.

Smile from justinchoo :-)