Expert: Joe McSorley - 7/4/2004

Question
Hello...my question is a difficult one....i was brought up in at atmosphere where there was always fighting...i am having a hard time stopping this same behavior now even though i know better....i am easily angered and seem to get so upset that i end up yelling at those i care about...will taking up the zen beliefs help me to stop yelling? Is it even possible to stop yelling? I have so much emotion inside that if i just talk it doesnt seem like i'm dealing with my frustration. I'm stuck and dont know what to do, except i know i want to be a nicer person. please help.

Answer
Dear  Alyssia,
  First of it it is entirely possible to change your behavior.  You are, in fact, in half way there because you recognize what you are doing and want it to stop.  This is a huge step because you do not deny the problem.  Also, you recognize the problem as arising from your conditioning, you were taught to be this way.  It doesn't matter how much you understand the problem because it's not a problem of understanding or any mental process.  You were conditioned to be this way and it is deeply ingrained in you as a way to react to situations.  It has become involuntary just like pulling your hand off of a hot stove.  Often when we are conditioned to problematic behavior we deny that it's a problem because we think it's natural.  It is anything but natural.  What you need to do is to completely recognize everything about it.  This does not mean to figure it out but to recognize it.  To feel every nuance of its coming and going and be fully alert to how you react.  When you start to recognize it, as it is, then you can see it coming.   Your emotions are fueled by your thought and have no meaning or power without that fuel. You must recognize it as wrong behavior meaning that this is not what is real or appropriate to the moment.  So as you feel your mind tighten or your heart race or whatever is the precursor to your behavior be alert to it and say to yourself ‘ this is false, this is wrong' or ‘I am creating this and I will stop it'.  By identifying it you will begin to deflate it.  Right now you inflate it.  Your thoughts and emotions are like oxygen to fire and fan this anger.  Before the thoughts start to fire it up, deflate it, stop the thought, the internal dialogue and the rationalizations and say ‘ this is not real, this is false' and walk away or sit down.  No matter what is ‘making you mad' you have to realize that you are the one making you mad.  This is the conditioning passed down to you.  It's like seeing a piece of rope and screaming in fear it's a snake.  If you are conditioned this way this is how you will react to a harmless rope.  You can understand that your fear is irrational but it does not change the reaction.  The reaction is forged in the mind by training and it takes time to change it.  Whatever gets you mad most likely has no real meaning in the scheme of things.  None are life threatening or devastating but you don't see the situation as it is.  If you were to look at something objectively, someone spills something or is late, and it gets you angry, what is the reality?  Does it really matter at all?  Why does it matter to you?  Now you can sit after the fury and wonder why you reacted that way but your conditioning doesn't care about that, it just reacts like the flesh to fire.  So, try to see what really is, what is real and not what is rising up in your mind.  Be alert at every moment to how you see things and what you are feeding into the fire.  Eventually you will clearly recognize what is happening and stop it.  It will lose its power.  Now, the power comes from you, but you don't see that.  When you do you will slowly stop feeding it and it will deflate.  This is part of seeing things as they are in Zen.  To recognize what is real and not what is the product of our conditioned mind.
  As far as Zen as a faith, or any other faith for that matter, it's just another form of conditioning.  You want to free yourself from the illusion of the mind and see what is real.  You can believe that you shouldn't get angry but that doesn't stop the reaction.  Face the moment, take your time and don't expect to change over night.  Remember ‘ this is false', quiet the mind, let the anger pass and then try to see what is real. Be diligent and you will succeed.
 Don't hesitate to write back.  I hope this helps you.
             Take care,
                   Joe