Expert: Joe McSorley - 2/9/2004

Question
Dear Joe,
I don't know why this question about "who am I?" is so popular but I want to know the answer directly from you. Personally, I am who I am (not in terms of God-speaking, though). I am spiritually eternal, although this physical and emotional self is not. Yes, we are not permanent but how can that realization really help?

Answer
You want to know the answer directly from me as to who you are?  This is like asking me to tell you what something tastes like, it's impossible no matter how many words you use to describe it.  You say ‘I am who I am' but who is that?  What makes you, you?  If I remove your memories are you still you? If you lose all your desires, thoughts, beliefs and history are you still you?  At what point in removing your mental faculties are you no longer you?   You have an idea of who you are or that you are because you look at a composite of things and you hold many beliefs.  You say ‘ I am spiritually eternal' but what does that mean?  Maybe you learned that in school but if you were not conditioned by school and what you've learned would you have come up with that on your own?  What you have is many beliefs but you have yet to challenge the core of those beliefs.  It's nice to think that we are eternal but what happens when faced with real death, are you calm knowing you are eternal?  You want to say I am eternal but not physical and emotional, how are these not you?  Don't you get upset, lonely and need emotional fulfillment and at the same time don't you need food to live?  These are both things that you would not thrive without but you can thrive without believing there is something eternal behind it all.  What is this eternal ‘thing' that stands behind it all?  We talk about a soul or spirit but do we ever become that soul or spirit in fulfillment in this life or is it just something we hang on to?  This is why Zen does not deal with all of these speculations and contrivances.  Zen wishes to clear away all the preconceptions of self and deal with the source, we ourselves.  If I ask you how you know you are eternal and demand and answer what can you say other than I believe or I feel.  Now you are back supporting the emotional self by this kind of statement.  So this question is of extreme importance.
 So if you truly realize that you are not permanent than what can you hang on to, what is this eternal that is impermanent?  To fully realize this can help you by driving you to the source of your questioning.  Why do you want to know these answers if you are eternal Choo?  What does it matter?  It must because you keep writing to me.  I once took a student to my teacher's house.  It was a very long drive and this student was a brilliant young man and extremely intelligent.  When he met my teacher he said, “ Why should I study Zen?”  My teacher replied , “ I never told you to study Zen”.  He said “I don't know why I should, I have not reason or problem”. My teacher said, “ Then tell me why did you drive all day to come here?”  The student fell silent.  Choo you must ask yourself why any of this matters to you and go to the root of it.  You are thirsty but say you have no need of water as if thirst were simply a matter of desire and not one of necessity.
 Take care,
        Joe