Bulimia/Eating Disorders/im just confused, pretty much hopless
hi there, so i need some advice, its not completely e.d related but i have a feeling my bulimia is not helping at all. I'm 17 and I'm in college, i dropped out of school at the beginning of my 12th grade year because i got into a lot of trouble and we moved to a different city. When we moved i was falling really heavily into heroin in my old town and i binged and purged so much because of how disgusting i felt, so i was sent off to an adolescent rehab. Even in rehab i would b/p and no one caught me. Since ive been out, ive lost all my friends and have no one. when i say no one. i mean the literal term of it. all the people i used to hang out with think im a bitch, slut or a dike... and it kills me because im neither of those things, im a girly girl and i wish i had a boy, it makes me cry even thinking about the fact ive never had a real relationship. I go to the community college now... which is a good thing. But i cant control the purging. it happens so much, a lot more then it used to and im not even losing weigh anymore, its such a depressing cycle. I just dont know how to feel less worthless, all i do is sit around my house, b/p, and do school. my parents are okayish, but every time i try and tell my mom how i feel she just says im "guilt tripping" her... but it hurts me even more she wont just listen to me. im so lost.
Wow what your going through sounds a lot like what I went through. I am proud of you for tackling something so incredibly difficult as drug addiction. I was on meth while I was bulimic and an alcoholic to boot. Worthlessness is a symptom of what your dealing with. YOU are not worthless. Your perception is messing with you. we as bulimics are so hard on ourselves, is seems to be a disease that stems in these feelings of anxiety and isolation. As hard as it is you need to get help with the purging. Purging will compound nutritional defiencies that make anxiety and depression worse. Your a perfectionist. That in itself is hard, when you stir in a new place, having to leave old "friends" behind and the stress of school it gets a lot harder. Its sounds like you've increased the purging after getting clean. I did too. You need to block that escape a little at a time. Force yourself out. Try to control the purging a corner at a time. for example if you typically purge four times a day cut down to three for a month. And use that hour that you would have spent purging somewhere else. Go to a study circle. commit to it. as long as its out of the house. Does your mom know your bulimic? if your not comfortable with telling her, go to an eating disorder group. The team does help. And you do have friends, you just havnt connected with the right ones yet. It doesn't sound like the friends you left behind were worth your spit anyway. let them go their own way, you can do better.
Allow yourself to start over. You deserve it. In the meantime keep yourself healthy drink lots of fluids, drink a pedialyte a couple days a week to help with the mineral loss (it can kill you)
I really want you to find recovery oriented group and commit to it. And if you have insurance, a nutritionist.
Dont beat yourself up, recovery takes a long time, and a lot of support. I can tell your a smart cookie. And I know you will do this. One little piece at a time. You are so NOT hopeless! The fact that your out there communicating and getting direction is only the first step. That shows determination, intelligence, and initiative. Awesome start!
Keep in touch
If you want help finding a group, tell me let me know