Bulimia/Eating Disorders/Do I have an eating disorder?
Hi, how are you?
My name is Becks, I'm 18 years old I have been battling depression and anxeity for at least six years. I think I've been fighting an eating disorder ever since I was sixteen. But it's not always there so it confuses me.
Lately it's been getting a lot worse. It started out me just being an emotional eater. I can't really blame myself I had some horrible years and I started using food to cope with it. My depression got worse and after my size being pointed out several times from my mom. I begin to realize how o was an XL compared to the the SM and M girls in my grades clothes. My friend was talking about how pretty girls were who you could see their ribs. I thought that was ridiculous. A couple months later I starting fasting to try to loose woeght, I wouldn't eat breakfast or lunch and then eat everything o could after school. In grade 11 I managed to slowly go back to normal after joining the school's running team, which I managed to loose 20 pounds in a healthy way. In grade 12, of started all over again but much worse along with self harming.
I would binge then try to make up for it by fasting as long as I could of i binged at supper I wouldn't eat for 12 hrs.
Then I'd binge again either Becuase I was starving then I told myself it was okay I haven't eaten all day so it was okay or my day would have just been terrible. I almost ate until I almost threw up.
Now I've been trying to make myself sick after eating because I ate too much and I just feel bad about and I'm in a lot of pain. I just want to loose 20 more pounds even though I'm at a healthy weight. But sometimes it's not about the woeght at all. Sometimes o have no idea why I'm doing it. Lately I just can't stop eating. I finish a box of cookies a huge bowl of pasta and I just keep on going. I know why I'm doing is bad for me I just can't stop sometimes.
I have a psycologist he knows about the anxiety the depression and self harm. Not about the eating. I'm scared to tell him he doesn't specialize in it. I'm scared to death he'll refer me.
I don't know what to do. I can't stop this binge/fast cycle and I don't know what to do. My depression and anxeity is also very high right now. I'm by that stressed right now. But I can't stop thinking which sets off a while domino effect. I'm scared one day I'm going to succeed at my attempts to purge. I feel really embarresed and terrible about it all. Thank you for reading this I very much appreciate it.
I'm so sorry that you're so miserable right now. I'm a recovered compulsive eater, anorexic and bulimic so I well understand the pain you're in right now. Your psychologist won't be surprised at hearing about the eating -- it goes hand in hand with depression and anxiety! He doesn't have to specialize in eating disorders to treat you. The underlying issues are the depression,anxiety and self-harm, etc. The food behaviors are simply the symptoms. You can go to my website, www.mirasol.net, click on Learning Center then on What Causes Eating Disorders. Let me know what you discover by reading these.
Are you currently taking any medication? I'm hoping that you've been prescribed medication to help with the self-harm and depression. Please let me know. This is critical.
How often do you see your psychologist? Here again this is important -- I'd hope that you're seeing him/her at least twice a week. You need intense therapy to get well! The good news is that you can get well!
I'll help you figure out how to get there -- it'll be a lot of work but it's doable!
I'm sorry it took me so long to write back -- I've been out of town and just got home.
Jeanne Rust, PhD