Expert: Alice J. Bogert - 4/3/2008

Question
Hello! I am soon to be college grad submitting my application for the Peace Corps. To do so I must write 2 essays. Unfortunately, writing is not my forte. I was hoping that you could help me by proofreading them because I am not incredibly confident about my sentence structures, topic flow and word choices etc. If you think you have time (I understand if not) here are the first topic guidelines:

Peace Corps Volunteers must be open to ideas and cultures different from their own and may need to modify their appearance or behavior appropriately. Give an example (between 250-500 words) of a significant experience that illustrates your ability to adapt in an unfamiliar environment. Please highlight the skills you used and the perspectives you gained. You may draw from experiences in your work, school, or community in the U.S. or abroad. Please list the date(s) of your experience.

and here is the essay:

My appreciation and respect for diversity began to spring up when I was younger because of my family’s nurturing of my love for nature. Growing up, we took trips every summer once or twice for a few weeks to different places around the United States. Some of my strongest and fondest memories I have come from experiences such as peering out onto the horizon from my grandparent’s overhead bed in their camper onto the dark, storming mountains of Colorado, seeing the daunting twin peaks of Mount McKinley, or later, the delicate microenvironments of the Gulf coral reefs.  Whenever I began my freshman year of college I was surprised to see how many students were originally from another country. My chemistry lab partner called home Sri Lanka and Oman while a girl two doors down had spent the first half of her life living in Vietnam. I also befriended a student living in an adjacent dorm who had moved from Nigeria over the last summer to go to school.  Over the next few years they became three of my closest friends and three of the people who I spent most of my time with.  I was able to spend a lot of time at one of my friend’s houses over the four years I was in college with her. There, I was lucky enough to try a variety of Vietnamese dishes and see bits and pieces of their culture.  Most of the food I had never even heard of before, such as the Durian fruit (it is such a pungent fruit that some cities in Asia have signs forbidding them).  As soon as I heard about the Durian I decided that I had to try it.  Whenever I was able to get my hands on one, I soon learned I was not much of a fan either. Despite that, I now enjoy Vietnamese cuisine so much that we often drive down to our state capital with friends who have never tried any before so we can all go to the multiple Vietnamese restaurants and markets there. My friends opened my eyes even further to how diverse and beautiful the world really is and gave me even more of “an adventurer’s spirit” than my family had.  Now, I cannot imagine being the same person I am today without having met them.

here is the second essay topic:

Peace Corps service presents major physical, emotional, and intellectual challenges. You have provided information on how you qualify for Peace Corps service elsewhere in the application. In the space below, please provide a statement (between 250-500 words) that includes:

1) Your reasons for wanting to serve as a Peace Corps Volunteer; and
2) How these reasons are related to your past experiences and life goals.

and the second essay:

I could never imagine myself sitting in an office cubicle running through the same routine daily, filing papers. I have always been passionate about spending my life by helping others better their own; whether, it is through teaching a skill to aiding them in their day to day activities or by just being a friend.  By joining the Peace Corps I hope to not only benefit the community I would be living in, but to also to see another area of the world and learn another language.  In high school I was able to study Spanish for two years.  I really enjoy being able to speak what little of it I can and am excited at the possibility of fluently speaking a language besides English.  Most of my best friends are from other countries and meeting them has helped expand my understanding of other areas of the globe.  Still, I have always been a wanderlust and I enjoy meeting people while traveling because having the opportunity to understand and to be able to relate to other cultures is more rewarding as a first hand experience.  Helen Keller once stated, "Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” I know that joining the Peace Corps and fulfilling the duties I will have, while integrating into the society, will be difficult but I am looking forward to it because it will be an experience that will help me grow as a person.  By living in another country, I hope, through friendship, to change any preconceptions or bias. Serving in the Peace Corps will help me hone my skills and focus on an area I could study further or work in after I return, such as in going to graduate school or teaching.

Thank you SO much! I really appreciate your time.
-Jessica K

Answer
Hi Jessica,

I generally don't edit long writings, particularly those being used for class assignments or applications.  However, I made an exception in your case because the cause is so noble.

You have some good ideas, and minimal corrections were needed, primarily sentence structure and misuse of grammar.  A suggested rewrite follows:

Essay No. 1:

My family nurtured my love for nature when I was young and that led to my early appreciation and respect for diversity.  We took trips once or twice every summer to different places around the United States. Some of my strongest and fondest memories come from experiences like peering out onto the horizon from my grandparents' overhead camper bed onto the dark, storming mountains of Colorado, seeing the daunting twin peaks of Mount McKinley, or later, the delicate microenvironments of the Gulf coral reefs.

When I entered college, I was surprised at how many students were originally from another country. My chemistry lab partner called Sri Lanka and Oman home while a girl two doors down spent the first half of her life living in Vietnam. I also befriended a student, living in an adjacent dorm, who had moved from Nigeria the previous summer to go to school.  

Over the next few years, they became three of my closest friends and three of the people with whom I spent most of my time.  As I result, I learned to appreciate our sameness and our differences.   Throughout my college years, I spent much time at the home of my of my friend's house, in particular. There, I was lucky enough to try a variety of Vietnamese dishes and view bits and pieces of their culture firsthand.  I had never heard of most of the food, such as the Durian fruit (it is such a pungent fruit that some cities in Asia have signs forbidding them). As soon as I heard about the Durian, I decided that I had to try it. When I was finally able to get my hands on one, I learned I was not much of a fan.

Despite that, I now enjoy Vietnamese cuisine so much that we often drive to our state capital with friends who have never had the food so we can partake of the many Vietnamese restaurants and markets there.  

My friends opened my eyes to how diverse and beautiful the world really is and gave me even more of “an adventurer’s spirit” than my family had. I cannot imagine being the person I am today without the experiences that grew out of these friendships.

Essay No. 2

I could never imagine myself sitting in an office cubicle running through the same routine daily, filing papers. I have always been passionate about spending my life helping others better their own, whether through teaching a skill to aid them in their day to day activities or just by being a friend.

By joining the Peace Corps, I hope to benefit not only the community I would be living in, but myself.  I relish the opportunity to see another area of the world and to learn another language. In high school I studied Spanish for two years and really enjoy being able to speak what little I can.  I'm excited at the possibility of fluently speaking a language besides English.


Most of my best friends are from other countries and meeting them has helped expand my understanding of other areas of the globe. I have always been a wanderlust. While travelling, I like to seek out natives of the culture because having the opportunity to understand and relate to other cultures firsthand really adds to the overall experience.

Helen Keller once stated, "Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” I know that joining the Peace Corps, and fulfilling the duties I will have while integrating into the society, will be difficult.  However, I am looking forward to it because it will be an experience that will add to my personal growth and development. My goal is to live in another country and, through friendship, change preconceptions and biases.

Serving in the Peace Corps will also help me hone my skills and focus on areas for further study or work after I return, like going to graduate school or teaching.

Good luck, Jessica.  I wish you well.  

Alice J. Bogert