Expert: Kaylyn Anderson - 7/26/2008

Question
I have to write a letter to the school that I’m applying to as to why they should take accept me – I’m desperate to get in. If you could please help me out and add/delete and make it better, I’d really appreciate it, thank you.
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Dr Jeanne Bathgate
Principal
Baulkham Hills High School
419A Windsor Road
Baulkham Hills
NSW  2153





24th July 2008

Dear Dr. Bathgate
My name is Jasmin Brad, I’m currently a year 10 student at Girraween High School and I wish to apply for year 11 for 2009.

I have many qualities that will be valuable to your school. I am a determined student, and ready to put in as much effort necessary to achieve the results I want. I’m also a willing learner, I love to learn about new things and am able to grasp new concepts fast.

I like to balance out my school life, not only do I enjoy my studies and spend time on them, but I also take part in many extracurricular activities at school, such as helping out in the canteen and the library. Currently, I’m participating in a program called High Resolves, which seeks to motivate young people, such as myself, to be purposeful global citizens and helps us understand how we can make a difference to the world. I also like to participate in both the athletics and cross-country carnivals –  and many times I’ve managed to reach zone level.

I will bring this determination and my friendly personality to your school.

Regards,




Jasmin


Answer
Dear jasmin:

Thank you for writing to AllExperts. I will edit your letter. Concerning content, you must determine what to add or delete. I pasted your letter here with the few punctuation corrections needed.

Sincerely,
Kaylyn

Rewritten:

Dear Dr. Bathgate:
My name is Jasmin Brad; I’m currently a year 10 student at Girraween High School, and I wish to apply for year 11 for 2009.

I have many qualities that will be valuable to your school. I am a determined student and ready to put in as much effort as necessary to achieve the results I want. I’m also a willing learner; I love to learn about new things and am able to grasp new concepts fast.

I like to balance out my school life. Not only do I enjoy my studies and spend time on them, but I also take part in many extracurricular activities at school, such as helping out in the canteen and the library. Currently, I’m participating in a program called High Resolves, which seeks to motivate young people, such as myself, to be purposeful global citizens and helps us understand how we can make a difference to the world. I also like to participate in both the athletics and cross-country carnivals. Many times I’ve managed to reach zone level.

I will bring this determination and my friendly personality to your school.