Expert: Leslie - 4/17/2009

Question
Hi- the previous letter my stock brokerage company would send to people who wanted to open an account with us said "I would like to thank you for taking the first step of beginning this relationship". I think it not only sounds gramatically awkward, but I would like to replace the word relationship. I believe we should be reinforcing the client's decision to do business with us by emphasizing the benefit their decision will bring, such as "Thank you for taking the first step towards prosperity" or something like that (I know that one is cheesy). What should I say?

Answer
Johann,

Yours is an interesting question. What you are trying to find is the right word for the client's by-in to your product. The word you are searching to find is the benefit in the person's investment. In marketing, it's not the steak you are selling, but the sizzle.

Let's start with the old statement. Grammatically, it is okay. Some people might say, "step in (not of) beginning this relationship." With all the online trading available, the word relationship is not bad. People who still use brokerages want someone on whom they can rely to manage their money. They want educated and good advice. The word, relationship, implies friendship based on a common need. The people who use brokerages want to feel their broker is a friend and confidant.

I like your statement about prosperity, but the question of whether you can promise prosperity is essential. Do all customers make money and prosper? With the stock market's ups and downs, a guarantee of prosperity may be a false promise. BTW, I don't think that statement is cheesy. These days, prosperity would have great appeal.

Marketing folks generally use focus groups to find the motivation of their customers. If we can assume (pretty safely) that your customers come to you to make money, then making money is one benefit. In this dicey market, could you say that yours or the customers' money is safe? (You are not a bank, of course, and even that is dicey these days, but are you conservative? aggressive?) Is what you do to help your client easier? Often the three best motivating factors are faster, easier, cheaper. Can you offer any of those three items? What would you call that benefit? Hassle free, low cost, instant response...

How about changing the first sentence altogether? Instead of Thank you... say Welcome to a better way of making money? A safer way of making money? ...something like that.

You may want to look at your marketing materials, which I am sure are professionally prepared, to find what the marketing folks are defining as key hooks for your particular clientele. Marketing's more scientific approach to the customer base is probably better than the guesses I am providing here.

Good luck. Sorry I could not come up with something more definitive. I hope I have helped you think through what you want to do.

Leslie