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Hi- the previous letter my stock brokerage company would send to people who wanted to open an account with us said "I would like to thank you for taking the first step of beginning this relationship". I think it not only sounds gramatically awkward, but I would like to replace the word relationship. I believe we should be reinforcing the client's decision to do business with us by emphasizing the benefit their decision will bring, such as "Thank you for taking the first step towards prosperity" or something like that (I know that one is cheesy). What should I say?
It's all a matter of style, Johann. But, in your case, I think it's also a matter of client expectations.
For one thing, anyone whose portfolio has lost 40-50% in the last year is NOT going to believe the word 'prosperity.' For another, using 'prosperity' puts you in the position of, in essence, committing to future performance that you might not be able to deliver. Third, the definition of 'prosperity' differs from individual to individual. To a young graduate just getting started, it might be one thing; to someone nearing retirement, it is likely to be something quite different. Finally, though I'm no lawyer, I think the decision to use 'prosperity' would first need to be vetted by corporate attorneys to ensure that the company isn't taking on potential liability by, in essence, guaranteeing the new client's future prosperity.
Were I running your company, I'd insist on 'relationship.' That's about the only thing that is true today and will be true in the future. I'm not trying to be the skunk at the garden party here, Johann, but, especially in these trying times, those who provide investment services need to be ultra-prudent and careful.
Hope this is helpful.
Warren
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Warren D. Miller
Expertise
I believe I can answer nearly any question about business writing. That goes in spades if the target audience is a lay readership. I make my living writing and speaking. N.B.: I DO NOT ANSWER QUESTIONS MARKED 'PRIVATE' because I believe that knowledge should be shared, not hoarded. I also believe such questions are likely to be submitted by people trying to cheat. In addition, don't waste your time asking me to write something for you. You don't learn anything if I do that. I'm happy to critique something that YOU write, of course. That's the best way for you to learn how to write well.
Experience
My profession is business valuation, which means appraising businesses whose shares are not publicly traded. This requires in-depth knowledge about a number of disciplines, including economics, finance, strategic management, accounting, anthropology, statistics, and psychology. The left-brain part of me must conduct rigorous research and financial analysis. The right-brain side must then separate what matters from what doesn't and then explain it all in writing (and in everyday English) to people (usually business owners, but sometimes judges and juries) who do not have the expertise that I have been lucky enough to acquire over the years. I love what I do and consider myself fortunate to live in a country where I can do what I love doing and make a nice living doing it. I am glad to help with writing issues, but NOT, please, with any valuation, business consulting, or other non-writing questions.
Organizations
CFA Institute, American Society of Appraisers, Strategic Management Society, Academy of Management, Culver Legion, National Association of Scholars.
Publications
Besides two published books (search for "Warren D. Miller" on Amazon), I have written for the Harvard Business Review, American Fly Fisher, Business Valuation Review, CPA Expert, Academy of Management Executive, CFA Digest, Valuation Strategies, and others.
Education/Credentials
MBA - Oklahoma State U. (1991);
BBA - U. of Oklahoma (1975);
Chartered Financial Analyst designation (2006)
Accredited Senior Appraiser (2006)
Certified Public Accountant (1992)
Awards and Honors
Business Valuation Volunteer of the Year (2001) - American Institute of CPAs
Winner - Oklahoma Humorous-Speaking Contest - Toastmasters International (1971)
Past/Present Clients
Confidential.
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