Expert: Leslie - 1/20/2010

Question
Can you please look over and any advice will be helpful.  Thank you so much.

Dear xyz Industries, Inc.
                        
                 It is with great interest and admiration that I seek opportunities as a xyz owner. With dual degrees in Early Childhood and Elementary Education, coupled with my management experiences with abc corporation I am confident that I have the proper skills and work ethic to greatly benefit xyz Industries, Inc.    
Some of the things I enjoy are spending time with my wife and children.  My 15 year old son David and I enjoy sports and board games of all kind.  Playing football, baseball, and chess are some of the best times we have together.  We also enjoy wrestling, four wheeling, and our play station 3. Jacob my 10 year old son and I enjoy hiking Valley Forge National Park in the snowy months of December, January, and February. Exploring the coal/mine shafts in the Mountains of Shamokin, catching cool things like snakes, turtles, and fish are some of the fun things we enjoy.  My 3 year old daughter Sophia and I enjoy our four block walk to the park, taking us about one hour to get there; she is teaching me to smell the flowers and enjoy the simple things in life.  When my wife Char comes home at the end the day nothing beats spending time with her and the kids in our basement watching movies, eating popcorn, and being together.  As a father of three wonderful children, married to a very supportive, beautiful, loving wife, and a son to parents who will give anything to help their children in anyway; I am truly blessed.     
I had and excellent example in my own father. I am one of 4 children in an old Italian family; raised to believe that family is everything. Today as an adult I am very close to my siblings, and they are very much an influential part of my children’s lives as well. Particularly my brother Michael, we are still very close and work well together.  My brother and I compliment and balance each other; Mike has a copious amount of hands on experience in the construction field with a vast amount of resources, people skills, is always relaxed.  My sister Kerry has a great love and passion for children with disability.  She is very active in the community assisting and educating families with special needs children.  Lastly, my older, sister Jennifer is very reliable she is always there when you need her.  Jennifer is very ardent, intellectual, and strong-minded women who will overcome any problem.
Over the past four years, I had the amazing opportunity to nurture, encourage, and determine what truly inspires a diverse group of students, including children with learning disabilities. As a classroom teacher and early intervention specialist for a non- profit organization, one of my greatest strengths is meeting the individual needs of families with infants and toddlers with disabilities in one or more of the following areas of development; physical, cognitive, adaptive, communicative, or social and/or emotional development.  Also, for the past 15 years I have been employed by Xyz Corporation.  I started as a dock worker, ship driver, and now I am a part-time supervisor responsible for the weekend shift.  Working only on the weekends has allowed me the flexibility to explore endeavors during the weekdays. As a supervisor, some of my duties include but are not limited to the following; managing and motivating over 80 full-time union and non-union employees. Other Responsibilities include dispatching drivers, supervising, examining timecards for accuracy, and securing the facility on weekends. I have participated in department cost reduction initiatives and the training of new hired employees.       
It is with great anticipation I foresee myself becoming a franchise owner. I welcome the opportunity to discuss with you the many ways that I can make a significant contribution to your program. Thank you for your time and consideration.  I look forward to meeting with you in the near future.

Sincerely,

John L. King  

Enclosure: Application  

Answer
John,

I do not see the job description. Your first line talks about being an XYZ owner. Since I do know know what XYZ does, I cannot say for sure what your education or experience contributes to the XYZ company. The purpose of these letters is to highlight the skills and experience that relate to the franchise ownership.

I will hazard a couple of guesses here. I am presuming XYZ is not a food franchise with a brick an mortar building. I strongly suspect that XYZ is selling a product, and you will be a business partner in selling.

The XYZ company needs to know how your education and past skills relate to what it is doing. Your letter does not tell them that information. Your first paragraph and second paragraph speaks to your frame of mind, but not business results.

I am not sure how being a classroom teacher relates to what you will do as a franchise owner. Potentially, you could have a product that requires educating the potential customer, which might relate to the franchise. Your teaching experience could also relate to handling employees, but only if they are intellectually challenged.

Because you are a franchise owner, unless you plan to have a large staff, your work as a supervisor is not germane. You would want to emphasize your work in maintaining bookkeeping, bringing up sales, making sales calls, etc.

You asked me to help you review your letter. The letter looks fine, but I do not think it serves the purpose you want, which is to persuade XYZ that you would be a good franchise owner. I suspect from what you wrote, that you will have a steep learning curve as a franchise owner only to discover that you do not like the job.

I do not mean to be discouraging. Since I do not know about XYZ, I could be wrong. Hope this advice helps you.

Leslie