Expert: Dan Smith - 7/15/2004

Question
hello,

I need you your help.  Can you edit my cause and effect essay.

Thank You

 A College student moving out on his or her own

          A college student moving out on his or her own can have drastic effects on a quiet, shelter life.  For one thing, the student has to learn to do all kinds of tasks by themselves.  They must learn even if they have had experience – to set tables, put up curtains and shades, stop an over flowing toilet, cook a meal, and defrost a refrigerator.  When there are no mothers, fathers, sisters, or brothers to depend on, a student can't fall back on the excuse, “I don't know how to do that.”  A college student's living alone also needed the strength to deal with people.  
       A second effect is that alone, one's must face noisy neighbors, unresponsive land lords, and dishonest repair people.  Unfortunately, there are no buffers between themselves and the outside world; people living alone have to handle every visitor – friendly or unfriendly situations alone.
     In addition, a living alone student need a large dose of courage to cope with occasional panic, very real financial pressures, endless worries, and unavoidable situation.  That weird thump in the night is even more terrifying when there is no one in the next room.  Worst of all, though frightening weather or unexpected bad news, is doubly bad when the worry can't be shared.  These problems leave many students feeling miserable when they are living on their own.  
       All in all, student on their own, even when life is going well, little moments of sudden loneliness can send shivers through the heart.  Going through loneliness can be stress on the nerves.  Living alone students will have to pull on all the courage that they may not have known they possessed.
             Facing everyday tasks, confronting all types of people, and handling panic and loneliness can shape living alone students into brave, resourceful, and more independent people.  

Answer
Try this. I put some comments into parentheses where you had made particularly egregious errors. You'll have to take those out after you read them. The worst was the phrase "living alone students." Don't fall victim to this kind of creeping adjectivism. The proper phrase is "students who live alone." Don't ever do that, or anything like it again. It is not a normal language construction.

As I commented, you'll find it easier to write essays on such topics if you keep things in the plural. You're talking about students in the aggregate here, so there's no reason to slip into speaking of "the student." It complicates the syntax unbelievably, especially now that we are trying to avoid the assumption of one gender or the other in order to be nonsexist.

Also, you tend to separate words that should be one word.

Hope this helps. My revisions follow.

      When college students move out on their own, it can have drastic effects on what had been quiet, sheltered lives. (You will be much better off if you keep discussions  such as this in the plural. It avoids the awkwardness of "his and her" and also the subject-predicate disagreements that you trip over in the next sentence.) For one thing, students must learn to do many tasks themselves. Even if they've already had some experience, they must learn how to do things like setting tables, putting up curtains and shades, stopping an overflowing toilet, cooking meals, and defrosting refrigerators. When there are no mothers, fathers, sisters, or brothers to depend on, students can't fall back on the excuse, “I don't know how to do that.”

  They also need to develop the strength to deal with people. After they move out they'll be alone to face noisy neighbors, unresponsive landlords, and dishonest repair people. Unfortunately, there are no buffers between themselves and the outside world. (Semicolons almost never work well. Leave them alone until you get to be a much better writer.) People living alone have to handle every visitor to their homes, whether those visitors are friendly or not. (You are not using the hyphen appropriately.)

   Students who live alone student (Don't ever turn verbs into adjectives that way.) need a large dose of courage to cope with occasional panic, very real financial pressures, endless worries, and other difficult, but unavoidable, situations. That weird thump in the night is even more terrifying when there is no one in the next room. Worst of all, frightening weather or unexpected bad news is doubly bad when the worry can't be shared. Such problems leave many students feeling miserable when they are living on their own.

   Even when life is going well, students on their own experience little moments of suddent loneliness that can send shivers through the heart. Going through loneliness can be stressful, and students who live alone will have to draw on courage they may not have known they possessed. Facing everyday tasks alone, confronting all types of people, and handling panic and loneliness can shape students into brave, resourceful, and independent adults.