Expert: Dan Smith - 6/24/2004

Question
hello, can you edit my persusaive essay.. Thank You.

MY GRANDFATHER'S GIFT

       Throughout life family members always inherited things from others.  The inheritance is what values individuals to grow mentally and physically been no different for me.   I have a lot of family members and my mind as handed down to me the most important inheritance to me, however is my grandfather.
       I inherited the value of education from my grandfather.  He always said that education can take me anywhere and it is the vision of the future.  Also that I should have a dream and never stand by idly expecting dreams to come true on their own power.  The future is not a gift it is an achievement, and I believe he is right.
      Respect for my culture is my next inheritance.  I will never forget where I came from, what languages I speak, what food I eat, what my religion is, and so on.  I also inherited this value from my grandfather.  He always told me never to forget who I am, and one day it will help me in the future.
      Believing in love and life is my third most inheritance.  I know that someone is and always will be someone who cares a lot about me and knows how I feel.  His approaches to life not only affected my life, but my whole outlook on life.  He told me that we live life only once so we should try to live it to the fullest.  Before I inherited these things from hi,, I was a lazy, mix-up person, content to spend my time, even in the summer, just staying inside and watching television.  He taught me that if I did not like the way my lives were going that I should change them.  I did nit like the way mine was going, so I changed it.  I became more active.  I stayed outside a lot more and am coaches a soccer team.  
      Ever since I know my grandfather, I looked at that as the turning point in my life.  I credit the person I am today to my grandfather and his inheritance.  My inheritance may not be important t some other people, but they will guide me forever.  They will help me do many good things in life, for myself.  

Answer
I am sorry. This essay is not far enough along to be edited by someone else. There are too many places in which I cannot tell what you mean. You need to go over it again yourself, ask yourself if each sentence actually says anything meaningful, and if it does not make it do so. For starters, the first paragraph is absolutely incomprehensible. Sentence almost makes sense (throughout whose life, however?), but sentences two and three are not reallly sentences at all, and approach being no more than random collections of words framed by periods. I'll be happy to look over this again when you have put some actual effort into making it make sense.

I do have this suggestion. This is an unlikely topic for a persuasive essay. A persuasive essay should try to persuade someone to a particular point of view and to act on having adopted that viewpoint. This topic is more appropriate to a descriptive essay than to persuasion. You might take the view that you are trying to persuade someone that you value your grandfather, but so what? What would they do with it if they conceded the point?