Expert: Dan Smith - 9/18/2005

Question
Hello Dan,

My name is Jonathan and I was wondering if you could possibly take a look at my essay for my writing class. It is a summary/analysis essay. It is our first assignment and we're using one source, therefore there is no need for citing work. We had peer editing workshops last week on this same essay; however, I did not find this editing useful. Some of the students did not put much effort into helping me out. I have to include a summary of article, and the author's position as well as mine. If you can, please help.
Here is the essay:

Goths in Tomorrowland: Rough Draft 1

  In the article “Goths in Tomorrowland” by Thomas Hine, we are introduced to an issue that is dealt with on a daily basis. Hine tells about the oppression that adults put on teenagers through the eyes of these teenagers. The author provides enough background information to capture what is really disturbing about this situation. Thomas Hine does not state his stance directly; however, he does hint us that he is against the alienation of teenagers by the tone he expression while he writes.
  As we read, the author explains the background information, that is, the story he can begin to address the problem. He tells a story about some Gothic teenagers that spend their time at Disneyland. According to Hine, Disneyland is supposed to be a safe place. Having these teenagers dressed all black with; perhaps makeup does not make it a safe place. He then implies that teenagers are in some way changing their lifestyles. As they do that, it seems that they start to lose their place in society. Having that said, Hine later confirms that it is a significant issue because either indeed reflects that “the mere presence of teenagers threatens us.” Hine emphasizes on what could be the cause to this. He explains that “identity politics” has led groups out of society. The identity politics are other than advertising, and television. These Medias once united the country and now they divide it up by the message they are sending out not only to the teenagers but also the adults.
  Furthermore, Hine gives evidence of his previous points. He states that is not appropriate to refer the word “teenager” to white middle0class, heterosexual young people, though it was meant to describe them. His supporting argument to that is that the major is probably not even white to begin with. He provides evidence from the Census Bear to defend why it would be crude to envision the word “teenager” that form. In short terms, Hine implies that no one can know what a book contains is he or she has not read it.
  Throughout the article Hine makes several assumptions to the situation. In one occasion, he states that a typical suburban high school consists of teens who express themselves through music, dress, tattoos, and piercings. In addition, these groups of teens hang out in different places, and do different; therefore, now it is impossible to speak of youth culture. Immediately, he lists the different titles groups have in high schools. Hine explains that fashion becomes in style and these youth adapt to them; however, they still generate their own dress, style, language, and culture. Another assumption Hine made was mentioning that these teenagers can be considered as tribes and tribes “year to belong to a group-or perhaps to escape into disguise.” Hine gets this idea after stating that the adult gaze is powerful. The fact that these teenagers wear certain colors or specific earrings confirms that these teenagers are ready for adult responsibility. However, Hine proves that and beyond when he reiterates a young on the internet bulletin, “Until I got with the Goths, I hadn't met any other people who are depressed by like I am and that I could really talk to.” With that said Hine implies that adults really don't know what goes on in teenager's heads. They are driven to make decisions and take on a different lifestyle while being oppressed by the adults and than alienated from society, which ultimately causes the adults to complain more leading the teenagers against a corner they can't get out of.
  Towards the end of the article, Hine begins to focus on the “creators of fashion.” He explains how these companies advertise to get these young people's attention.  IN other words, these companies take advantage of the fact that these teens want to take on their own style. Having that said, Hine concludes by stating that young people are in a contradiction; that is, they drive themselves to where they think they are themselves; nonetheless, what they are escaping is really always their waiting for them.
  Reading this article gave me an opportunity to realize something that has surrounded me all my life. I interact with adults and teenagers and find that some adults do have some expectations of what a teenager should look like. Thomas Hine believes that teenagers today are oppressed by adults and are alienated from society. These teens develop a desire to fit and decide to either go their way or join groups. I agree with Hine. Teenagers today want to be accepted in whatever they do, feel, and most importantly who they are. Unfortunately, that is not the case for the most part. Hine makes several assumptions; however, I can see why Hine would make such statements. It is what is seen that portrays what is said. When we see something in someone and then see it again in another person our minds automatically assumes it is like that for the most part in that specific category. It is not always true. For example, Hine mentions people have a misconception of the word “teenager.” Adults, society have ideology of what a teenager is or should be. This can automatically shut a teenager down when he or she is encountered with the fact that they are not what is expected in a common teenager. That could be good, but for the most part it is not. These ideas lead to the oppression from the adult to the teenager which leads the teenager to isolate themselves. By isolating themselves they create a bigger commotion in the adult word and are oppressed. Because of the drama, teenagers adapt to what the media puts out, which for the most part adult themselves are offering that. The teens grab a hold to what is portrayed as a good thing when in fact it is not. In the end, adults complain for what they are causing. For example, a parent can be stranded on a boat in the middle of the ocean with no way to get to land. The person begins to row the boat forward and back to see is somehow the boat can move. By moving the boat is actually starting to get filled with water. The person then complains for the boat sinking when in fact it was he or hers own fault for moving the boat thinking what he or she was doing was right when it was actually wrong.
I believe that a solution for the matter is communication. When to people communicate they are able to see the entire picture rather than make assumptions of what could be there and what is not. If adults were to approach teenager and see their point of view than the oppression and misconception would slowly start to diminish. But it is not only the adult responsibility to approach but, also the teenagers should be approachable. Without a mutual understanding these to elements of society will not cohere anything.


Answer
I don't think I could edit this without a look at the article itself. Could you forward your essay, and a link to the article or the article itself, to me directly at:

dan@wordsmithofaustin.com

I'm having trouble arriving at what Hine might have said from your summary. But if you'll do that, I'll have a go at it.