Expert: Leslie - 1/12/2005

Question
Dear Leslie thanks again,
This time after being accepted back to University, I wish to apply in education department to become a teacher. They want me to write an essay of one page, to describe what I have learned in my experience in working with children that will help me in teaching career.
Please help me in its correction:
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With insistence from family, I started my educational path in engineering, only to discover that it was not meant for me. I realized quickly that one must choose a path in which one receives joy and feels a natural talent for it.
After leaving UBC, I must admit that my determination to become a teacher was inspired only by the zeal I gained in meeting and close contact with youngsters. The idea to be part of an organization responsible for our make-up of tomorrow's society always enticed me. My 2 years of experience convinced me of what I wished to be called “my career”. Students forced me to be imaginative, creative, and cheerful. I learned to enjoy and drive satisfaction from a question well answered. On one side, I saw that I could use my natural patience and enjoyment of meeting youngsters and explaining tough problems in simple terms to drive tremendous joy, and on the other, the frankness and youthfulness of my students made that joy a constant in this career. I learned that I must quickly teach my youngsters that they can enjoy every problem and challenge in their studies, and to take “ I can not do” away from their vocabulary, and to lead and encourage many of them in a path they enjoyed the most and were naturally gifted for it. I am ever more convinced to give my very best to this career and have worked hard for it. My recent result show it and I wish you to allow me the opportunity to serve this Country's future.
    I am delighted to be part of it.

Sincerely
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thanks Leslie


Answer
Porya,

Sorry for the slow response. I teach school myself, and in January, I am unavailable for the first three days of the week.

"...I gained in meeting and close contact with youngsters."  Try saying "...I gained working with children." It's simpler and implies that you have experience with children. You may want to combine this sentence with the one that addresses your two years of working with children.

"The idea to be part of an organization responsible for our make-up of tomorrow's society always enticed me." Are you saying that you find work contributing to the future of society enticing? Look for a simpler way to say this.

Spell out 2. Use "two"

"I learned to enjoy and drive satisfaction from a question well answered." Your word usage is awkward here. You cannot "drive satisfaction." You can "derive" satisfaction. I know what you are getting at here, but think of this statement in terms of the student. You enjoyed seeing the realization in the student's face... or you enjoyed the interaction with the student.... You may want to say that the satisfaction you derived from meeting the students' needs convinced you that a career in teaching...

I like the statement about "creative and cheerful," and your "natural patience" is another good point. Instead of writing those statements as though they were opposites, rewrite the sentence, so the statements are joined. "I saw that I could use... The joy of this experience with the frankness and persistence of youth allowed me to see that a career..."

"I learned that I must quickly teach..." Why quickly teach? Why not slowly? Quickly, I learned that...? OR you could say that the cornerstone of learning, as you see it, is to teach children that they can learn anything. They need to be taught that problems simply need to be solved.

"Saving this Country's future" may be a bit ambitious, although every teacher feels that way. Criticizing the current cultural norms can get you kicked off the teaching staff. Nudging the way people think and teaching critical thinking skills, however, are very good approaches to changing a future. You may want to restate the last couple of sentences.

Porya, your ideas are excellent, and you truly have the right attitude for teaching. Place yourself in the position of the school administrators who want to know that you will succeed and will not required a great deal of assistance from them. You may also want to state how you will use your background in engineering to enhance your contributions to the school.

Here's an exercise for you that may help you write this letter. Make a list of one or two word descriptions of what you want to say. Example: Enjoy children, enjoy inspiring, desire to change thinking, offer engineering discipline, etc. Once you have done that. Write a single, simple sentence that describes your idea. Place the sentences in order of importance to you. Look to see if these ideas can be combined in a paragraph. I think when you try to combine the ideas, you will get a sense of what the letter should say. Keep in mind, that the school is looking at this letter to see whether they should invest their time and resources into preparing you to support their system. You need to get into the system before you can change it.

Let me know how you do with the letter.

Leslie