Expert: Kaylyn Anderson - 10/30/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hello

I am an ESL college student; I wrote a scholarship letter to few business owners in my area, so I can get some help to finish my education. I will appreciate it if you proofread it and provide me with your suggestions. I don’t know if I have to edit, delete, or change some things related to grammar or structure of my statements before I send it to the company that offer the scholarship, so I am wondering if you can send me your direct E-mail to make it easier and faster for you and me to E-mail you my letter.

Thanks
Sam


ANSWER: Please submit your letter to me so that I can read and edit or, at least, guide you to better writing.

Sincerely,
Kaylyn

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Please let me know where shold I edit or delet information before I send it.
thanks


Dear Mr. (The Sponsor Name goes here)

         My name is Sam Stefan and I am a 31-year-old college student.  I came to the United States with my family in 1992, and I graduated from high school in 1995.  In order for me to be able to support my two younger siblings, mother, and grandfather, I started working full time and going to college at the same time.  It was very tough for me, a 20-year-old young man, to try to fulfill my family demands with some help from my mother and younger sister, but with no assistance from a father.  For the past 17 years, life was pretty difficult for me. I have known the bitter taste of poverty, despair, and abuse for too long. Being free from the death grip of despair has been a long awaited dream of mine. I have had the unfortunate experience of living a life of hardship, and despair because of my abusive father from my childhood into my adult life. Presently, my main goal is to become self-sufficient financially so that I may be able to support myself and my four relatives. Hence, my ultimate passion is to be able to help people who do not have the power to help themselves through the knowledge, skills and experience I intend to acquire from receiving my bachelor degree.  I have had difficulty achieving my dream of self-sufficiency due to a number of obstacles that have become stumbling blocks in my life.  I grew up in an environment that was ruled by violence and abuse done to my mother and to me. My father was a corporal survivor in the military from the wars of 1967, and he abused my mother often. When I was about 17 years old, the abuse ended upon our arrival to the United States, for my mother was finally able to divorce my father.  The first step I took to regain my power and my self-esteem was to start seeking God for guidance.  I began attending Bible study groups, I joined some of the local sports clubs, and I read a variety of topics and subjects.  I finally opened my eyes, and I began to realize that I deserve a better life for myself.  I needed to prove to myself that I am capable of standing strong and of building myself up.  With all the obstacles I have faced, I will not stop trying to achieve my dream of self-sufficiency and financial independence.  I intend to use my testimony as a healing tool for other families experiencing domestic violence.  I want to be instrumental in the fight against domestic violence.  I want to show them that there is another way.  In order to truly give back to the community and to help my relatives and myself, I have to become financially stable.  My financial stability will be acquired through pursuing my love for Business.
My foreign language skills and immersion with diverse populations by serving for two years as a Peace Corps Volunteer in Iraq; volunteering on a farm in Jordan for five months, and participating in a study abroad program in Spain for eight months, make me uniquely prepared for serving clients from a wide variety of cultural backgrounds. I am a patient listener and excellent communicator with people for whom English is not their first language. In Iraq, I worked in Baghdad and in small villages located in the northern provincial area, where I experienced firsthand the harsh realities of life in a wounded country. Having lived in foreign countries, I can sympathize with the courage, obstacles and fears faced by those who have left home for the United States.
The bachelor’s degree in general studies with a minor in accounting requires 128 credits; up to this point in time I was able to complete only 84 credits of the degree.  Now I have about 44 more credits remaining to finish my degree at Chicago University.  Unfortunately, I had to stop attending school 5 years ago because I was unable to afford my tuition.  I was working full time to pay bills and support my four family members, and with home and family expenses, I just did not have the extra money to continue to go to college.  I also did not want to take out a student loan because I do not want to have any debt, especially if I am going to save money for my children’s education. The world of education is ever-changing.  New theories and practices come and go.  In order to become a more effective student, I have to discover for myself how those superior theories and practices can be used to help myself and others.  The path towards my lofty goals is long and fraught with financial need. I'm going to need help. For aid in this area, I look to you.
         Since I finished high school, the studies of psychology, spirituality, and business have interested me profoundly.  Having read many books on alternative medicine, quantum energy, existentialism, religion, mechanics of Consciousness and metaphysics, my quest for knowledge has only intensified.  Certainly, the purpose of my life is to discover a greater understanding of our world and its people, as well as how to tap into the positive energy flow in our body.  I plan to better grasp the interrelationship among our human energy fields, forces, matter, space, and time by reading one to two hours per day in non-fiction oriented books and magazines that challenge my mind and keep me open to new things.  This will translate into one book per week, or 50 books per year.  At this rate, I will become a smart and knowledgeable person in a very short period of time.  Reading is to my mind as exercise is to the body.  The more active my mind, the more energy I have, and the more I read, the more I will eventually tap to the unused 90 % of my brain's power.  I dedicate myself to life-long learning, and I make my mind work by studying, learning and growing all the time.  Unquestionably, my life's aim is to dramatically raise the height of the mountain of knowledge so that my successors may have a more accurate view of the universe around them.
The BGS program offers a cognitive foundation and unified awareness of the activities of a business.  I chose to be an Accounting major because it offered good job opportunities at many top companies and most geographical locations.  After I graduate, I will pursue opportunities to advance my career, and my degree will give me great credibility.  I also chose this field because my business interest is to be able to apply technology into real business scenarios in a dynamic environment that is both challenging and fun. The Bachelor degree will help me to have more education which better prepares me for the job market, and will help me to work more with management and organization.  There are currently many positions for those who have a bachelor degree with accounting knowledge throughout the United States, and this degree will prepare me for various positions in linguistics and international relations as well; as with most people, one of the reasons I selected my accounting concentration was the desire to affect the lives of others.  Some examples of the activities I will be able to provide for the business world will include maintenance of the company’s general ledger, payroll, balance sheets, financial reports, accounts payable, accounts receivable, and preparation of deposits.  In general, I will compute, classify, record and verify data, which will be used to develop and maintain financial records.  Also, I may total, balance and reconcile billing or payment data, ensure completeness and accuracy of account data, or code important financial documents according to company policy.  In addition to that I may prepare individuals’ income taxes, consult with new clients to determine their accounting or bookkeeping needs, and prepare corporate taxes.  Also, this bachelor degree will qualify me to work for government subcontractors, who require foreign language skills.  In other words, earning an undergraduate degree can open a door of unlimited possibilities for me.
The stresses of not knowing where the money for college is going to come from can add even more burden to an already stressed existence. That is why your Scholarship would be such an incredible blessing to me. By helping to ease the burden of tuition expenses I will be better equipped to deal with the other stresses of college life. By helping me to balance the load, I will be more able to pursue the demanding goals that I have set for myself and for my future. Your scholarship can help me with important accomplishments like preparing for job security by owning my own business, and therefore I can have a job for life.  I will not be subjected to being laid off or downsized in mid career because of no fault of my own.  Job security can help me with income potential, because when I take a salaried job for a certain amount of money that is what I will make, no matter how hard or how smart I work. But when I work for myself, I have no guarantees; however, I also have no limits on my income.  As I build and grow with my own business, a valuable asset is also growing with me that I should be able to sell when I wish to retire. I also look forward to being able to provide jobs for others, so I can give them an opportunity to advance in life just like me.
         It is because of people like you, who give back to our community and set a standard of excellence, that people like me can afford to go to college and work hard to follow in your footsteps. My goal is to use my education to provide a better life for my family and to make enough money to save for my children's education so they do not have to struggle financially like I have my entire life. That is why I believe I would make an ideal candidate for your scholarships.
I know that now is my chance to make something of myself. I am very dedicated to this goal. I have worked very hard for these first 84 credits, and will continue to work just as hard for the next 44 credits and I would do everything in my power to get those credits completed with 100% of my academic effort.  I hope you will please consider me for this scholarship.  I can manage to keep most of the bills paid if I can find additional help with the cost of school. Please be assured that your money will not be wasted as there is no way that I will let this dream slip through my fingers. I want to be a good role model to my family, friends, and children, so completing this degree would prove to them that with hard work, determination and passion anyone's dreams can come true.  Please send me an application and any information pertaining to your scholarship, and I will gladly fill it out and return it to you as soon as possible.
Thank you for taking the time to read this letter.  I look forward to receiving information about your scholarship, and I hope that you will give me a chance to prove to you that my family and education are my first priority. I can be reached by phone at
373-465-2006, or by email at Caedesign@hotmail.com.

Sincerely,
Sam Stefan  

Answer
Dear Sam,
I printed up your 3-page, single spaced essay for a college scholarship. I am not really sure where to begin.

This letter is a first-thought draft, which is the correct way to begin any formal letter or essay. You need to hone in on experiences without a therapeutic voice.

1. Identify your sponsor.
2. What does your sponsor want from you? Usually, it is a question or guideline that tells the sponsor what your achievements are and will be. How will you use your degree to benefit others?
3. It is less about "I" and more about "others."

Please narrow your approach.
1. You mention your homelife as a young boy and young man.
2. Religion
3. Self-affirmation
4. World experience
5. Education desire
6. New Age, psychology, etc.
7. Business and accounting
  a. You list small items that accounting majors study in order to sell yourself. Eliminate these.
8. Owning your own business to prevent "downsizing," etc.
9. You rely on others who give back to the community. How will you give back to the community?

Finally, you request an application and information regarding unknown scolarships.

Sam, instead of sending your letter that results in only asking for an application and information, simply ask for an application and information. When you receive the packet, the instructions will guide you as to what to include in your responding submittal.

Also, you may go to the organization's website. Many organizations have download capabilities for scholarship applications and information guidelines.

"Dear Sir (or Madam):

Please send me an application and supporting material for your "_____ scholarship."

Sincerely,

(Signed)


Thank you for contacting All Experts.

Sincerely,
Kaylyn