Expert: Wanda Reinholdt - 12/17/2007

Question
Hi Wanda,

Thanks for taking the time to answer me. Wanda, I have a question regarding my girlfriend's acting career. She is doing her 5th or so movie and in this one she is asked to do a very explicit sex scene. She has done kissing with a men already. I'm not the jelouse type of guy but the script requires not only frontal nudeness but also simulated sex very much like the last Heather Graham sex scene (circulating in th internet) in "Adrifted in mahanttan". Can you explain me how is it that the sex can be simulated? I dont want to ask my girlfriend about it. Can you help me? Doesn't the guy get "carried away"? I dont want any men to touch her that way.  
Thanks in advanced

Answer
Hi Leo...Thanks for writing.  Let me see if I can help you with this.  I will try to give both some help for you and some thoughts for your girlfriend as well as give you some insight into what I have done to guide me through this kind of situation.  You are a very good boyfriend to be even concerned about this :).

It's great that your girlfriend's acting career is taking off.  That means that she is doing quite well and that opportunities are coming her way.  

As with anything in this world, as individual people, it is important that we make personal private decisions about what it is that we will do and will not do.  And that is especially true in the film and theatre industries.  Actors are always being asked to do things that they might not really want to do or have not thought of.  Sometimes it can come as a surprise and, if they have not thought about what their "line" is, they can say yes without even realizing what they have said yes to.  This is especially true for the least experienced.  I've known of directors and agents who have not told an actor or actress what is coming and have demanded it on the spot in shooting or rehearsing because it has "spontaneously come about in the creative process".  And those are hard situations to find oneself in.

I don't know what your girlfriend has decided about her values and what she is or is not going to do as an actress.  But I would encourage you, even though it will be hard, to tell her that you are concerned and to encourage her to really do some thinking about this.  If you talk with her about it from the point of view that you are concerned that she might be compromising her values, she might listen to that more.  I want to also encourage you to tell her you are not comfortable with this idea of other men touching her because it is important to you that the relationship you have with each other remains monogomous.

Honestly, this is HER choice.  NOT your's.  And if you lovingly and carefully talk with her about this and she does not respond well, that is HER choice.  And although I hope this is not the case, she might not think that she is compromising anything by doing what she is doing.  Again, that has to be her call.  

I think that a friend is someone who speaks with their friends about things they are concerned about even if they and especially if they are hard.  That is what true love is.  

So I encourage you to talk with her.  Know what you are going to say and how you are going to say it.  Practice it and be confident in it.  Make sure the tone of your voice is calm and caring.  And do it at a time when neither of you are rushed and where you can have a private conversation.

If she is not going to change her mind or if she continues to do this without considering your thoughts and concerns, then you have a choice as to whether to stay in the relationship or not.   

No matter what, respect what she decides.  You don't have to agree and you can tell her you don't agree.  But let her decide.

Let me share with you what I have done:

I have chosen to never compromise my values no matter how much I want a role.  I believe that a story about a sexual relationship between 2 people can most of the time be told without the sex.  And I believe and have seen it done with much taste and with effectiveness.  And those are the kinds of suggestions that I would give any director who might ask me to do anything sexual.

The truth is that sexual work on film or on stage in theatre is very difficult to keep from becoming personal especially when there is nudity and simulated sex.  It becomes very intimate and private.  You can try to keep it simulated (fake it) but it's almost impossible because sex is powerful.  It is not something to be played with.  It is a gift.

There is much proof that someone who allows their sexuality to be used in a way that is not fulfilling or that is not backed by commitment leaves the person with emptiness and pain.  And it is that emptiness then that becomes their governor.  They look for ways to fill it and it can become a life of compromise.  

It is much easier for a person to cheat on their spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend when in the midst of passion with someone else on set.  It's hard not to.  The temptation is so very huge.

So as for the guy she is with, again, it all depends on the person - what they have decided they will or will not do.  There are guys who will just let whatever happen.  And there are those who will not.  It's a risk.  

So I don't even go there. I know my limit and I stick with it. My marriage and my self respect are first.

Does that help at all?  

Wanda