Expert: Aaron Shifferly - 4/17/2009

Question
Hi there, I am writing this as a concerned wife that really is not sure where to turn to for advice on this topic - I am hoping that you can help or that you could possibly point me in the right direction.

My husband has a very serious sexual addiction and has for years and it has now progressed to the point of him endangering himself as his family.  He has refused therapy or any other successfully proven form of treatment and it is to the point now where I am very worried about him and I believe that action needs to be taken.  Unless you have any knowledge on this topic, it simply sounds like an excuse for a spouse to be able to get away with having affairs, but this is not the case here.  I have done plenty of research over the years and I know full well what I am dealing with - more so than my husband actually.

My question is this - should I go to his superiors with this and if so, what could they really do to help my husband?  This addiction needs to be looked at as if it were a drug or alcohol addiction and he needs help that he simply isn't willing to get on his own.  He is destroying his family, possibly his career and also his health.  What sort of treatment is offered for soldiers with addiction and who should I go to for some help on this?  I have all the proof that anyone could possibly need to prove that this is very real, I just need someone to intervene before it's too late.  My husband is a specialist at Ft. Hood, Texas and is currently deployed to Iraq.

I appreciate any information that you might be able to give me, Sir.

Thanks!
A concerned army wife

Answer
Well my first thought is for you to turn to Army Community Service and/or the Chaplain to get yourself some counseling.  You and your family should do this independent of your husband.  The problem with your issue is that you reporting it to his chain of command will cause some resentment because what he's doing is committing adultery and that is punishable under the UCMJ. They will be focused on punishing your husband to prevent his behavior.  They may also mandate counseling and treatment, but it would not be without its punishment part; especially if there is proof of him committing adultery.  Your best bet is to figure out what you want the endstate for yourself to be and then pursue the option that best fits that.  Also, keep in mind that his being in Iraq complicates things with respect to you getting him treatment.  There are some facilities down there for it, but it is not as equipped to deal with a sex addiction as the rear-area is.  Best advice is to work on helping yourself out and report what you know to his chain of command so that they can work on preventing the behavior from repeating itself.  Just be aware that it will come with backlash as he is punished. I hope for the best for you in your situation.