Expert: MARK A. HOWELL - 8/23/2010

Question
Hello, My question is pertaining to my husband. He was in the Marine Corps for 8.3 years. His rank was SGT. He was a very motivated Marine until he started complaining of back pain. I don't know exactly what it is like to be a Marine, but I felt as if I was part of the Marines due to me being a Marine's spouse. He has now been out of the Marines for 11 months now, and I am miserable because I want him to go back in. He keeps telling me that he cannot, but he has not ever attempted to try. We have 3 small children who needs benefits!! I don't want him to go back into the service for benefits, but with our circumstances, it was the best option for us. My husband is young, loves to ride Motorcycles, club, and etc. I understand that is his life, but some things has to be sacrificed or given up when you have a family involved. I am too the point where I am tired of trying to make him go back in, but it's taking a toll on me. I am stressed to the max!! I don't have benefits, my kids are on medicaid, and my husband don't understand anything I say to him, because all he has to do is go the VA Clinic!! Am I being selfish? or does I just have a hard-headed husband who wanted to pursue his fun over being responsible and taking care of his family? I finished nursing school 1 year ago but I am so stressed out that I cannot even pass boards, ugh! I feel as if my life sucks and I cannot get any answers about this military stuff... PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!

Answer
Brittany,
First let me apologize for not answering sooner.  I was called away on a no-notice mission and just returned.

Yes, as a military spouse you were very much a Marine.  Your husband needs the same love and support now, just like you gave him while in the Corps.

I can sympathize with him having back pain.  I had back pain daily for 30 years and (according to my wife) I was cranky and miserable all the time.  I finally had surgery 2 months ago and I suddenly feel like a whole new person.  For 30 years the military doctors told me to do sit-ups to cure the pain.  I finally went to a civilian spine expert who said I had a degenerative disease and sit-ups were the worst possible thing to do for it.

Anyway, yes, he is still eligible to re-join but it sounds like he just doesn't want to.  Maybe after 8 years he just plain got fed up with the military.  I've seen it happen a lot.  You'd think people would quit after their first enlistment at about the 3-4 year point.  Surprisingly, it happens at the 8-10 year point.  Not everybody is cut-out to be a Servicemember, it just takes awhile for some folks to figure that out.  My brother and my father, both Navy men, advised me not to join the military because I'd hate every minute of it, like they did.  However, here I am 30 years later, loving every minute of it.  We're all different.

Your husband gave it a try and evidently didn't care for it.  Let him know you support him in whatever he decides, but he needs to find a job that does like, that offers the health insurance and benefits that his family needs.  Don't push him toward the military, at this point he may just feel that you're nagging him.  Let him feel like he's making his own decision, after discussing it with you.  Part of growing up is balancing the responsibilities of a family with the enjoyment of youth.

How's he obtaining the spending money necessary for pursuing his hobbies?  Clubbing and motorcycles can be expensive?  Does he have a VA disability?  Is he relying upon you?  If his funding source was cut off today, what's his plan to survive?

I'm not a marriage counselor, but if his plan doesn't include you and the kids, maybe you should see one.

I wish you well.
Colonel Howell