Expert: Jason Grabill - 11/20/2010

Question
Hello,
I am a 13 year old female and was just wondering what your thoughts are
about teens being online and what limits do you think parents should put on ?

At my age,  I really don't want my parents in my business.  My dad is a police
officer and he seems to think that he can still tell me what to do or what I
can't do.  He will NOT allow me to have a computer in my room and he says
he needs to have unlimited access to any email or online accounts I have too.

I am not doing anything illegal but I just find it kind of unfair that he wants
complete access to all my accounts - aren't I entitled to any kind of privacy
from him ?  

I am not a bad kid at all - I have a straight A average, I work very hard in
school and I don't hang out with any bad kids or anything like that.  I do all
my chores, help with my siblings and things like that.  I have NEVER been in
trouble at school or the community.  I don't understand why he can't trust me
just a little ?

Any suggestions on how I could talk to him or how I can best handle this
situation would be much appreciated.

Thank you,

Tracey

Answer
Tracey:

   Believe it or not, this is about the 20th question exactly like this I've gotten from teens just like you.   I'll tell you the same thing I've told them...you won't like my answer.

 So...down the road we go.

1:  My kids never had, nor will they have, a computer in their room.  While you certainly do not believe bad things will EVER happen...it's been my experience that while they may not...chances are good that they will.  Even if you don't intend them to.  

2:  He can, in fact, 'tell you what to do' until you are 18 years old.  Get used to it and live with it.  Otherwise, life will just get harder as you get older.  

3:  I've always had unlimited access to all my kids accounts.  We have one computer..located in a central area in the family/living room.  Not open for discussion for them.   Does that mean I'm looking at their email every day all day (like I don't have better things to do...)?  No.  But I don't hesitate to check it.  And have done so.  Even with that being known (it's NOT a secret) I've still found stuff that my daughters (both now grown) really, really, wished I hadn't at the time.  

4:  You have NO "right to privacy" as a kid.  Sorry, just the way it is.  Dad (and Mom) are responsible for you, your safety, your welfare, and YOU.   Once you are an adult...then your on your own.  Until then....

5:  A certain level of trust is always a good thing.  However based on your Dad's line of work, I can understand his reluctance to do so.  You might, perhaps, try some bargaining...after all, your main job is to be a student, and if you have a straight A average, that means you are doing your job very, very, well.  Perhaps you can be allowed to have, say, a Facebook account that is 'yours' (but that he can, at any time, ask to see, and is restricted to your friends ONLY and not visible to everyone).  That would be a start.

I know this is difficult for you, and certainly seems unfair, esp. based on your record.  But even 'good' kids get into trouble, more often than you might think.  As much as you dislike it, your Dad deals with this every day.  

You are most certainly welcome to write me back with your thoughts and opinions.  I also encourage you to print this out and show to your dad.   You just never know what he might say or do.  He's liable to surprise you.

Take care,
Jason